Sex, lies and stereotypes

Most of us think about sex a lot. But is there a difference between the way men and women feel about the search for sexual pleasure? To look at magazines you’d certainly think so…

Anne Sexton, 24 May 2012

Do men and women talk about sex differently? Ronan thinks so. He argues that men will be honest about their sexual attraction to someone, but women will hedge and call it ‘aesthetic appreciation’ instead. Sometimes it really is aesthetic appreciation, I argue – admiration without sexual attraction.

The conversation got me thinking – do we talk about sex differently? And if so, do the words we use shape the way we think about sex too?

I polled 50 people of various ages, genders and sexual orientations to find out what words they would use to describe a carnal encounter. The most popular terms of all were ‘having sex’ and ‘shagging’. Each of these garnered around 30% of the vote, with no significant difference between the sexes. A close second was ‘fucking’, although this was slightly more popular with women than men.

Of course there are hundreds of words and phrases to describe sex, so plenty of people preferred terms like ‘getting laid’, ‘getting some’ and the amusing if somewhat coy ‘struggle snuggle’. Interestingly, only one person, and a man at that, opted for ‘making love’.

Perhaps that’s not surprising. We choose to use one term over another because we prefer its connotative meaning. ‘Making love’ may be a very satisfying experience, but even if a sexual experience is particularly romantic, describing it in these terms makes it seem a bit dull – or like something that people used to get up to in the ‘70s, complete with fluffy rugs and moustaches.

Admittedly my survey wouldn’t meet the rigorous standards of science, but it does suggest that men and women talk about sex in pretty much the same way – which is interesting, but perhaps not that surprising. But here’s the thing – if men and women use the same language themselves, why do magazines use different approaches to discussing sex, depending on the gender of their readers?

At a cursory glance you’d conclude that for the most part women’s and men’s lifestyle magazines talk about sex in much the same way. Both accept it as an important part of life and dispense advice on skills and techniques. So far, so similar, but there are subtle differences at work.

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