All men are wankers, you know it, I know it, the whole world knows it. But I ain’t just talking about their personalities. For centuries men have been slappin’ out their one-eyed snake bangin’ away at their monkeys and chompin’ on their sausage rolls. So it’s about time ladies got in on the action.
Sure, the opening of Ann Summers brought forth a whole array of memorabilia for women to try and seek out their G spots with, but I’m not sure that all you ladies out there have quite cottoned on to the fact that masturbation is not just for the big boys.
Have you ever wondered why men almost always come no matter what? It’s not just that you’re a sex goddess, rather it’s because their little Charlie down there is always ready to come out and play. So have a go at what I call the tap theory and you’ll never have to fake again.
Okay, so you’re a modern woman. You’ve just bought a brand new house in make-believe Ireland where we can afford houses, and off you pop to Ikea to buy your brand-new stainless steel fitted kitchen. It’s perfect, custom-made to suit your every need. But just before you get ready to try out Jamie Oliver’s latest aphrodisiac-laden recipe, your mortgage increases by 100% and you can’t get your kitchen installed for five years.
So five years later your custom-made kitchen sink is covered in cobwebs, your taps are stiff and rusted and impossible to turn on, and no matter how hard you or the sexy plumber plugs away, you just can’t get your water to flow.
Now supposing this 100% increase never happened, supposing you got your kitchen and every day you turned on and turned off your tapes to your heart’s content, supposing you knew every lump and every bump, every crevice and crease in your sink’s design, you would not only be a very happy lady but any man who came into your kitchen would need no instruction, and your waters would flow at the touch of a button.
Women, it has to stop. You can’t expect a man to know our bodies inside and out as, thankfully, we’re all different. So try it out, you don’t need a rampant rabbit costing E59.50 to figure it out. If men can use Pam and her five friends, then so can you. Believe me, it’ll change your life. Well, maybe not exactly your life, but you sure will smile more!
Let’s face it, gents, aren’t you tired of the paranoid falsetto that comes just before you do? Is she faking it or are you really a champion between the sheets? Come on guys, give her the encouragement she needs to be as big a wanker as you are – and soon you’ll all have diplomas in plumbing.