“COMEDY AND music . . . and that’s only Ocean Colour Scene!”

This was the witty (and decidedly unofficial) slogan coined by Laughlines, a man ever on the look-out for a cheap gag at the expense of people more successful and famous than himself, upon hearing news of the inaugural Heineken Murphy’s Red Hot Festival which is set to take place in Cork from Thurs 17th – Sun 20th September.

Although the line-ups have yet to be finalised, among those already booked to propose the motion that This City Believes Comedy Is the New Rock ‘N’ Roll are Ardal O’Hanlon, Tommy Tiernan, Dylan Moran, Mark Lamarr, Ben Elton and Paul Merton, while Luka Bloom, Giles Peterson, David Holmes, The LA Doors and Buffalo Soldier will be among the musical maestros providing vehement opposition.

The occupants of HP Central remain at a loss over which category to put the aforementioned Brummie retro-rockers in, however. While a handful shamelessly admit to being ardent admirers of their Weller-esque riffery, the vast majority remain convinced that they’re a funnier (both “peculiar” and “ha ha!”) live proposition than all the stand-up comics named above combined . . .

Having finished larking about by the Lee, deadpan king Paul Merton will make his way north of the border for a one-off at Belfast’s Waterfront Hall on Wed 23rd Sep. And This Is Me is the name of the show which promises “to take a savagely funny and startling look at who Paul Merton is, including his problems with the middle class, his critically acclaimed near death experience and the truth about his short but instructive spell in the Maudsley Psychiatric Hospital.”

While we’re only too happy to recommend the show, having got a sneak preview at this year’s Cat Laughs festival, we do feel honour bound to suggest that whoever decided on the outrageous £18.50/ £16.50 admission fee for Merton’s Waterfront gig, could do with a seriously lengthy spell in the same psychiatric hospital’s most secure padded cell . . .

A new RTE sitcom, Couched, penned by Barry Murphy, Mark Doherty and Ian Coppinger looks set to be one of the highlights of RTE’s autumn schedule. Surprisingly, the three Dubliners are reputed to have been given a free rein by the Montrose mandarins while making the show, which would suggest that it’s likely to defy all odds and become the national broadcaster’s first homegrown comedy hit since Hall’s Pictorial Weekly . . .

Fans of The Fast Show will be delighted to hear that two of the BBC2 comedy flagship’s linchpins, Billy Bleach and Tommy Cockles, are on their way to the Murphy’s Laughter Lounge on Dublin’s O’Connell Bridge. Brendan Burke and the inimitable Malcolm Hardee, two men with pasts so chequered you could tie them to sticks and wave them at the end of a Grand Prix, join them for three evenings of unbridled ribaldry and mirth on Thurs 6th/Fri 7th/Sat 8th August.

The following week (Thurs 13th/Fri 14th/Sat 15th) sees superb British comedienne and former presenter of BBC2’s The Sunday Show, Donna McPhail (who featured recently in these very pages when she correctly predicted that England would win bugger all at France 98) bound energetically across the Laughter Lounge stage. The ever-excellent Alex Lyons (who, truth be told, may not have much to josh about at all, if his beloved Liverpool FC have flogged Steve McManaman by the time this issue hits the streets), the enigmatic and downright extraordinary mime artist Marcel So What?, and the hirsute The Man With The Beard comprise the second of two exceptionally strong bills in Ireland’s only custom-built rib-cruncher.

Self-confessed comedy bitch, Mr Pussy, whips them in with some feline capers to provide a purr-fect end to a smashing fortnight’s comedy on Eden Quay with his Real Talent Show on Sun 16th Aug. It might sound painful, but what’s a girl to do except grin and bear it?