Deirdre O Kane is a pcyohopath who is constantly trying to murder Pat Shortt. Yes, dear readers, as you choke on your ciabatta sambo, this is the shocking confession the comedian and actress made to Hot Press last week in a candid interview, the tapes of which we have since turned over to the Garda Siochana homicide unit.
Of course, they sent them back, with a warning not to be wasting their time, after concluding that the comic actress was simply discussing her role in Owen O Neill s new sitcom, The Fitz. The 6-part series is currently in production in England for the BBC location shooting is in Devon, the studio stuff is done in London and O Kane has a significant part in it.
"It s about this really mad, very big family there s 12 of them called the Fitz, as in Fitzgerald," says O Kane. "They all have red hair. Their house straddles The Border. It s all about the madness that goes on in this family.
"My character is called Fiona and I m the ex-wife of Pat Shortt. Basically I play a psycho and I m just trying to kill him in every episode! (laughs). It s totally bonkers. Actually I think it s really, really well written. I highly regard Owen anyway. I don t know what kind of response it s gonna get but my instinct tells me it will do really well. It s just great to come across a sitcom that s good. It doesn t happen very often. But it s very much an Irish sitcom, even though it s for the BBC."
The leap into UK sitcomland is the next step in O Kane s progression from fledgling stand-up comedian to confident hostess of RTE s live comedy flagship, The Lounge. Then there s the small matter of holding down one of the starring roles in the satrical sketch show, Bull Island, which sees her lampoon the likes of Mary Harney and Mary O Rourke for fun and profit.
But if breaking into a metaphorical portal in a showbiz personality s brain and, for example, Being Miriam O Callaghan for a while must be fun, one wonders what it s like for the person being lampooned?
"I ve met Miriam O Callaghan," says O Kane "I came across her in make-up. That was the funny thing about doing Bull Island in RTE; honest to Jesus half the characters you d be doing would be walking in to get their make-up done. Most of them take it with great humour, they really do."
They don t mind being slagged?
"If you re up for it, you re in for it that s what I say!" laughs O Kane.
Before every other TV producer in the land wanted to put her on the small screen, Deirdre O Kane had chiselled a reputation as a reliable and smooth stand-up comedian, often MC-ing at the Laughter Lounge where her dolorous Dolores O Riordan impression always goes down well.
Yet she remains one of the very few female comedians on the Irish circuit and, as such, is in danger of being referred to the Monopolies Commission for inspection . . . so how does it feel to be in such a minority?
"I m a little bit surprised," states O Kane. "I thought by now, there d be more. There were a couple of girls who started up and did stand-up for a year and they ve dropped off again. I m surprised that in the last year a few didn t spring up and catch up with me and knock me off my little pedestal (laughs). I m very much the only one at the moment. I m amazed!"
As for her future plans, O Kane already has a few things up her sleeve.
"I ve just finished writing a screenplay so I m fucking delighted with myself. Aren t I the cailin?! It s a romantic comedy. It took me a year to write but I had the story in my head from the start. When I did sit down and write I would do it quite quickly but then I would leave it for months without touching it. When I was writing for Bull Island and writing for The Lounge, I found that the last thing I wanted to do at the weekend was to sit down and write material. But now it s finished and I m going to send it into the Film Board for funding."
Would you like to act in it yourself?
"Oh, of course," she pipes. "It s all written for me! You don t think I m gonna hand it over to some other waggon who did nothing! It has a working title of Better Than Sex."
There s confidence for you!
Deirdre O Kane is currently hosting The Lounge, Monday nights, 10.25pm, Network 2.