D2: THE MIGHTY DUCKS (Directed by Sam Weisman. Starring Emilio Estevez, Carsten Norgaard)

In my view, the only good duck is a dead one, preferably served with pancakes and that black, syrupy sauce in a Chinese restaurant. D2 is a sequel to last years ice hockey hit The Champions, so you might legitimately wonder why it’s not called C2, but the explanation is almost as tedious as the prospect of sitting through the movie (OK, OK, the original was called The Mighty Ducks in the US, had a title change in the Europe – perhaps because we eat more duck than they do in the States or something, what do I know? – but has reverted to its US title for the follow up. Well, I warned you.) Emilio Estevez reprises his role as coach to a bunch of hopeless losers, turning the unruly kids into a mean, lean hockey machine. You know the drill: no cliche is left unturned in efforts to replicate everything that made the original a hit. It’s efficient entertainment for under-13s, but I spent the whole time wishing the ice would crack.