Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
People who take Teams or Zoom calls in public places without headphones on (they are all, collectively, the last people invited).

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
My wife.

Favourite saying?
“People, they’re the worst.” This is from Seinfeld, not sure it quite qualifies as a ‘saying,’ apt though it may be.

Favourite record?
Ludovico Einaudi’s performance live at the Royal Albert Hall.

Favourite book?
Don’t do this to me! Too hard. Red Sparrow by Jason Matthews or Smiley’s People by John Le Carré.

Favourite film?
I should probably have a snootier answer here, but judging solely on number of rewatches, the facts point to this being Mad Max: Fury Road.

Favourite author?
This probably should be one of the authors of my two favourite books listed above, right? No. I’m picking Elmore Leonard.

Favourite actor / actress?
Ryan Gosling.

Favourite musician?
Jack Antonoff.

Jack Antonoff. Credit: Alex Lockett

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
Well, I’m not going to add to the humiliation by putting it in print, am I?

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
Cold brew.

TV programme?
Here’s the thing, I don’t watch much TV…

Favourite TV personality?
Will Arnett.

Will Arnett

Favourite item of clothing?
My old Barbour jacket.

Most desirable date?
The mountains, open skies, martinis.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Reading a good book

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?
Car mechanic.

Biggest thrill?
Getting away with it.

Biggest disappointment?
Getting caught.

Your concept of heaven?
Like Earth, but totally improved.

Your concept of hell?
Like Earth, but worse.

What would be your dying words?
Probably a gurgling noise.

Greatest ambition?
For my books to leave a mark.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?
I’ve always been grimly fascinated by 14th century France, but it was a rough century, so I’d only agree to living back then if I had a big castle and penicillin.

If you weren’t a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be?
Orca.

Orca by Adam Ernster

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
I wouldn’t buy it, the people who come up with those predictions are nuts.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
The King of Spain.

Favourite term of abuse?
Unprintable.

Biggest fear?
Heights.

Humanity’s most useful invention?
Writing.

Humanity’s most useless invention?
TikTok.

• David McCloskey’s The Seventh Floor is out now, published by Swift.