DUNGEONS & DRAGONS

Directed by Courtney Solomon. Starring Justin Whalan, Marlon Wayans, Thora Birch

The inevitable cinematic spin-off of the phenomenally successful ‘role-playing’ fantasy/adventure game of the same name, the only real surprise about Dungeons & Dragons is how long it took to become a movie, the game having been around since the late Seventies. It’s a thoroughly ridiculous Tolkien-esque affair about elves, dwarves, wizards and the like, and any appeal that the D&D world might actually possess has singularly failed to translate to the big screen. What results is a mind-boggling travesty every inch the equal of Battlefield Earth in terms of pure raw incompetence: it’s possible to enjoy on a ‘God-this-is-shite’ kind of level, but it’s fair to say that the thing won’t be walking away with half-a-dozen Oscars come next spring.

What plot Dungeons & Dragons has to offer runs something like this: Empress Savina (American Beauty’s Thora Birch), the empress of Izmer, plans to end the wicked wizards’ reign of terror over the common people. Meanwhile, the dastardly wizard Profion sends his unscrupulous henchman Damodar to retrieve the Rod of Savrille, a magical staff which will give him power over the red dragons whose help he will need to enlist if he is to defeat Savina and take control of her empire…

Sounds thrilling, doesn’t it? Okay, as nerd-oriented adolescent escapist fantasy stuff goes, D&D is no more or less inane than might be expected. However, the dialogue veers from pathetic to downright painful, while the film’s horrendously extravagant visual style and costume design harks back to such classics as Krull and Conan The Barbarian, and generally renders it the campest spectacle this side of Tony Blair.

The cast should sue for irreparable damage to their reputations: Marlon Wayans, last seen undergoing cold turkey and prison brutality in Requiem For a Dream, disgraces himself beyond redemption as a scroll-thieving elf tracker (don’t ask), while Thora Birch’s presence in the lead role can only be construed as a form of wilful career suicide. Most memorably of all, Jeremy Irons dispenses with all dignity as the evil wizard Profion, sporting a look of severe embarrassment throughout which seems to say ‘Fuck, I hope no-one sees me here’.

For some inexplicable reason, D & D winds up being genuinely difficult to take your eyes off, and even at this early stage, it seems well positioned to sweep the board at next year’s Golden Raspberries. Immortal.