And the studio executives said, Go forth and make us a movie that might capitalise on the Christian dollar, for it is bountiful across the land. And lo, we have a concept and it is pregnant with possibility. We shall anoint Steve Carell, for he hath found grace in our eyes now that Jim Carrey is too expensive. And he shall be a modern day Noah. His flesh shall be in mortal danger for sins struck against the environment and for not playing with the flesh of his flesh, for we cannot make a film without a neglectful father. And yea, Morgan Freeman shall reprise his role as God, for we cannot afford Jennifer Aniston and we must have returning cast for a sequel, though it be loose, to Bruce Almighty. And so it was done.
And Morgan shall command Steve to build an Ark of gopher wood and of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shall he bring into the ark, to keep them alive with him; they shall be male and female and shall cost a bloody fortune. And of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind; two of every sort shall come unto him. And yea, PETA shall have questions about their on-set treatment. And all these beasts shall say, this movie sucketh, Oh Lords, for Lords they were, though we have not the spark of Man, all things on the Earth must know that Tom Shadyac is the director of Patch Adams and Frankenstein; The College Years and many other wicked things. And the creatures of the sea shall say, Oh Lords, though we cannot even creepeth on the Earth, even we know that a movie needs a script, though it be weak and befitting Rob Schneider, and yea, you have forgotten this.
And the studio executives said, but we shall throw many coins at the special effects department, so many coins that they shall number $250 million, and all shall be dazzled. And the creeping things that creepeth said, Oh Lords, though we cannot even swim in the oceans and must move on our bellies in the dust, even we know that a flood set piece cannot save a comedy that maketh no man laugh.
And the studio executives bade them be silent for the wickedness of the suits was great in the earth, and every imagination of their thoughts was evil continually. And they said, screw it. People will buy what we tell them to buy.