PEOPLE BUYING magazines for sick Grannies in hospital beware! It may sound like the sort of publication that has Russell Grant doing the horoscopes and Richard Madely talking about his perfect marriage, but the only pricks in For Women are of the bell-ended variety.
Coming on like an oestrogen-laced version of The Sun, the organ s March issue boasts such delights as Dicks Out For The Girls, Top Todgers Tested and Raiders Of The Lost Arse.
Learning how to fuck the man in your life s bum with your very own hard strap-on cock will not only leave him writhing with delight, but will give you a taste of what they ve been doing all this time, promises the latter. Once he s experienced it for himself, the days of him poking around like an inebriated butcher wielding an oversize salami will be gone forever.
If dildos are a no-no, you can thumb eagerly to page 30 where there s advice on how to Trim Your Quim:
According to Michael, a hair stylist from the coast, most barbers shops provide a pubic trimming service. Michael himself offers shaping and colouring sessions at his salon. He ll do pretty much anything you like. Blue, pink, heart-shaped . . .whatever. There s a special room in his shop where, for anything from #20 to #50, he ll clip, tweeze, wax, bleach and colour all your fuzzy bits.
Turn to page, ahem, 69 and there s a handy guide to the month ahead on Television X, the satellite porn channel that has, 5 times as many viewers as our nearest rivals because we re 5 times harder. A typical night s viewing includes such family favourites as 12.10 Dirty Talk; 12.20 Shagnasty & Muttley; 12.45 Film: Strap On Sally 9; 2.00 Butt Monkey; 2.25 Film: Pussyman 6; and 3.40 Ben Dover.
There s also much fun to be had in the Classifieds where phone lines of the I ll Suck Cock As It Slides Out Of My Girlfriend s Back Door variety vie for attention with the likes of Jesus Jahdaw s Escort Agency a London-based service which along with non-vascetomised, fully erectionable, explicit sex , offers male surrogacy for #10 per hour (rates negotiable).
Much more exciting, we think you ll agree, than jam recipes and knitting patterns. n
For Women is available from 43 Millharbour, London E14 9TR priced #3.75stg.