Goodness, I’m crushed. Yeah I know the Rowling formula was already overly familiar by the time we got passed the Goblet Of Fire, but it was incident-packed and lively in a way that subsequent Harry Potter books – Harry Potter and the Order Of The Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - were not, regardless of how many menopausal women and hype-swept kids queued around the block to buy them. Pity then that Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire – my favourite title from the entire franchise – is so lacklustre up there on screen.
Where Alfonso Cuaron’s Prisoner Of Azkaban was visually inventive and rife with hormonal friction, Goblet Of Fire simply cannot keep pace. In common with other Harry Potter films, there’s the eternal struggle to include every chapter in the book, a process which frequently feels like pouring Hagrid into a size four frock. As a result, the film is littered with non-sequitors and half-finished scenes right from the get-go. The Quiddich World Cup featuring Ireland in the final (nice to have made it to that World Cup at least) is a case in point. We suffer the pre-game leprechaun light show – less painful than it might have been – and then don’t get to see the bloody match. The Hogwarts Ball is similarly mishandled, hopping from one thing to another while conveying none of the shifting sexual jealousies depicted in the book.
Even those less enamoured with J.K. Rowling’s original text will find cause for concern. Simply put, Goblet Of Fire is dull, dull, dull. The special effects aren’t nearly special enough. The pacing is terrible. The dialogue explaining the nature of the Death-eaters has one longing for a particularly boring blast of senate politics from The Phantom Menace. And worse, there’s little or nothing for Snape (Alan Rickman) to be getting on with.
Saving graces include Brendan Gleeson’s drunken Mad-Eye Moody, Emma Watson’s sulky Hermione and Rupert Grint’s increasingly awkward Ron Weasly (adolescent and ginger) and of course, the final 15-minute showdown with Ralph Fiennes’ Voldemort is worth a look. But it’s a long two hours plus wait to get there.
I never thought I’d say these words, but at this rate I can’t wait for Harry Potter to piss off to university. Even Chamber Of Secrets rocks compared to this. Sob...