HERE COMES THE KNIGHT

So what's the connection between the Northern Ireland peace agreement and a stumpy old queen from Pinner? You got it: less than a week after all the electoral delerium, we're set to have a right big knees-up with Sir Elton John in the middle of the Stormont grounds, Belfast.
In a normal city, this would be welcome (albeit musically stodgy) entertainment in the civic greenery. But here we are in Fevertown, and people are therefore obliged to get het up about the idea of anything light-hearted and a bit funky. So the May 27 wig-out is causing consternation with the righteous set and the tweedy residents of the upper east side. Already, the planned series of events, envisaged by Mo Mowlam and the NI Office, has been pruned down to a solitary, sensible gig. Even this is not enough for some.
Here are the choice arguments:
* Music fans are still regarded as drug-ingesting hooligans who will piss on your lawn and terrorise the red setter. This retarded view persists, despite the relative calm after U2's Botanic Gardens concert last summer. Rock and roll is less disruptive than the tribal aggro of the local football game. And there's plenty of public drunkenness that's somehow ignored here during the marching season. Neverthless, the killjoys are out to score points.
"Guinness is a sponsor for this event," Peter Robinson, colleague of Ian Paisley noted recently. "And it is believed they may be selling alcohol during the concert. We have made our views clear to the Secretary Of State that we believe this would bring a number of additional problems and should be rejected."
* A special thanks also to Deputy Lord Mayor Of Belfast, Councillor Jim Rodgers (an Ulster Unionist Party man), who called the idea "an act of
madness". From the same mouth comes the following, apocalyptic vision.
"People are worried about the massive crowds that will be attracted and about theft, parking problems and people using gardens as toilets. It is demeaning the grounds of the Stormont Estate, and some of the old parliamentarians must be turning in their graves at the idea of what could happen there."
* Ah yes, the old parliamentarians. Like the late Sir Edward Carson, whose gesticulating statue dominates the front aspect of Stormont. Before he set to negotiating a Unionist domination of Northern Ireland, Carson was active in the law courts, and was instrumental in smashing the reputation of his fellow Trinity student, Oscar Wilde. The playwright called him 'Old Ned', adding, "no doubt he will perform the task with the added bitterness of an old friend".
But we trust that Oscar will be laughing out there on the night. Knowing that Carson's presence will be surpassed for a while by the tinklings of a flamboyant pianist who has worked with the top tranny Ru Paul and whose party name is 'Sharon'. Or is it 'Doris'?
Let us also remember that Ian Paisley's cohorts once ran a campaign called 'Save Ulster From Sodomy'. Yes, they really did.
On the down side, Elton's Made In England LP contained a song called 'Belfast' which was liberal hand-wringing of the most revolting sort. There have been some unquestionably shite songs made about 'The Troubles' in the past 30 years, and Elton is in up there with the worst perpetrators. If he trys to play this song on the night, then he ought to be interned in the Maze forthwith.
In an ideal world, we should take advantage of the political negotiations to have a clause inserted in the Agreement, signalling a complete cessation of crap songs about the north. Decommission those songwriters now!
And at the same time, let's lock up the foreign journalists who patronise the locals so. Like the MTV internet correspondent who flagged the story up as "Elton John To Celebrate Accord With Belfast Concert". Excuse us, but do we really need the geezer who mulched "goodbye English rose" to tell us how much fun is potentially out there?
Sure, it's a cynical thing to say, but didn't we have a better class of rock and roll during the Troubles? We had The Clash, Radiohead, Nirvana and the Stone Roses. These days, we're expected to cheer at the prospect of Elton, Garth Brooks and maybe James Galway at The Waterfront. Steal the music back from the Yuppies and coffin-dodgers! Instigate a Cross-Border Council For Decent Music!
Elton's evening of sentimentality, comfy sweaters and cheese may also obscure the fact that we have some cool musical happenings here also. Like the recent visit from Mary Anne Hobbs' Breezeblock Blowout tour, which took place in the freshly renovated Mandela Hall and featured top quality tunes from Arab Strap, Campag Velocet and David Holmes. The latter put a proper fever up the place by cueing up a massive drum solo from Rare Earth's version of 'Get Ready', prompting a royally mad outbreak of air druming. There's your unique joy, brothers and sisters.
Still, in a place that's rife with symbolism, Sir Elton's gig at least brings a surreal touch to Belfast. Remember that on the night when the Agreement was due to be thrashed out, Ian Paisley was baying under Carson's statue to a mob of ranting loyalists, clinging to the icons of siege and resistance.
The scale of this was quite pathetic. In 1974, at the height of the UWC strike, there were 40,000 hardcore Protestants right there, marching in file, in uniform, preparing for war. Paisley's recent night rally attracted an estimated 300 people. Elton is likely to pull in 15,000, as the 'silent majority' get to clap and mouth along to 'Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word' and 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight'. Perhaps it would be inadvisable to do 'Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting', though.
Such times, eh? Elton is merely doing a gig, and a free one at that. Other cities would be thrilled at such a gesture. Don't shoot him: he's only the piano player. n