Check out the armoury on this flick – Mr. Sir Ridley with the megaphone, lots of swords, the Crusades, Christian gentlemen getting proto-medieval on swarthy godless types, thespians a go-go, snow machines, fuck-off siege-of-Jerusalem set-pieces, pomp worthy of a Ceaucescu parade and hot young movie stars in the form of Orlando Bloom and Eva Green (The Dreamers).
It’s a Great Big Summer Blockbuster and no mistake and happily, for the most part, Kingdom Of Heaven delivers on its grandiloquence. In common with Gladiator and most of the loincloth/chain mail/furs'n’ pig-swill oeuvre, the premise could have been culled from the pages of Joseph Campbell; Mr. Bloom is a lowly blacksmith, widowed through suicide and unaware of noble connections until his Baron father (Neeson in Jedi master mode) shows up and leads him toward Jerusalem where “lunatics of every denomination” battle for spiritual and political supremacy.
During these opening scenes, Orlando conveys his mourning in a pouting manner that suggests the Gucci store has just run out of clogs, but once settled in the promised land, he makes a surprisingly convincing transition from sulky pretty-boy to military commander, swinging a sword and barking commands with enough authority to unnerve Russell Crowe.
I hardly need to tell you that Mr. Bloom is given incredible support – Jeremy Irons growls with the same aplomb he once brought to Scar in The Lion King, Neeson radiates roguish morality, Ms. Green smoulders, Ed Norton does Brando in a mask and Brendan Gleeson is convincingly mad, right down to a weird brassy beard-dye that looks like it came from Barbara Cartland’s medicine cabinet.
There is a big problem with Kingdom however, specifically its softly, softly approach to holy war. Not since Dances With Wolves has any film shown such anachronistic and genteel political correctness towards history. “Their prayers are just like our prayers,” observes Orlando, before going into battle against honourable infidel Ghassan Massoud, a man who lovingly picks up crucifixes out of respect for other beliefs as his army sacks the city around. Of course, the monstrous alternative was for the film to degenerate into a beat-’em-up between Christians and Moslems, but Kingdom’s politics come uncomfortably close to belting out the chorus of ‘I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing.’
It’s a noble approach to the material, but it’s rather disingenuous. As Orlando pontificates about the stones of Jerusalem being less important than the city’s people, you can’t help but think that few would appear to agree in 2005 let alone 1184.

Running Time 144mins. Cert 16. Opens May 6th.