MISSION TO MARS

(Directed by Brian dePalma. Starring Gary Sinise, Tim Robbins, Don Cheadle).

OUCH! SCIENCE-FICTION never plumbed depths quite like these, until now. Inane, infantile, idiotic and so spirit-crushingly boring as to defy belief, Mission To Mars somehow seems to liberate the characteristics of every lame SFX-driven blockbuster you've ever seen, and condense them all into a seemly integrated whole. That it is directed by someone of the calibre of Brian dePalma is enough to have you reaching for the revolver.

It's essentially a NASA-heads-to-Mars outing for all the family, drenched to the bone with the sort of Stars'n'Stripes-waving apple-pie patriotism that has the rest of the world gnashing its teeth in white rage.

The plot, for want of a more appropriate term, runs something like this: distraught after losing his wife, astronaut Tim McConnell (Robbins) refuses to do a psychological evaluation (foolhardy machismo and all that), so NASA refuse to send him to Mars, and his buddy Luke (Cheadle) goes instead. Luke, perhaps because he's black, soon gets bogged down and becomes in dire need of rescue, when a mountain in the Cydonia region of the planet rises up and kills all of the extras that went with him.

It is at this crucial juncture in the film's plot development that Mission To Mars crosses the line between deathly-dullness and pure time-warping torpor, as Robbins rounds up a few of his mates for the 'rescue Luke' scenario, and they take off on a year-long flight to Mars, which feels as if it was filmed in real time.

Mind-blowingly, arse-numbingly boring as the actual narrative is, it's somehow the tone that grates more than anything. It's awash with Fourth of July picnics, 'go on without me, buddy' dialogue, direfully-acted anguished expressions . . . the putrid reek of American Family Values can be detected in every single scene, and there isn't even a token moment of light-hearted humour to leaven the gloom. I can't go on. I just hated it. I will never recover. I need counselling. I will forever carry the scars. Whatever you do, don't see for yourself.