Upon reading the interview with John Deasy in last fortnight’s issue of this august organ, I found myself pondering the fact that the former Fine Gael spokesperson on justice is not the most erudite of men.

Having proclaimed that people who pay their taxes should have the right to “drink themselves to death” and smoke cigarettes if they so desired, he was asked if the same courtesy should not be extended to those who enjoy marijuana, a substance which, unlike alcohol or cigarettes, has never harmed anyone beyond making them giggle at inopportune moments while buying Rizlas, Monster Munch and Wine Gums at an all-night service station.
“No,” replied Deasy, the self-styled champion of “people’s personal freedoms”. And this from a man who, in the very same interview, had the temerity to call John Kerry, the Democratic presidential candidate in the forthcoming US presidential election “wishy-washy”.
Hello?
If that’s not a case of the dog calling the cat hairy-hole I don’t know what is. Admittedly, I know little or nothing about John Kerry, but I do know that anyone who is prepared to endorse the taxpayer’s right to smoke cigarettes but not their reefer-enhanced, hand-rolled brethren is skating on extremely thin ice when they start accusing fellow politicos of being wishy-washy.
This unsurprising hypocrisy is typical of the wispy, half-arsed liberalism voters have come to expect from young Irish politicians trying to make a name for themselves as rebels with a cause. If Deasy is, as he claims, so very strong on people’s personal freedoms, surely he should be campaigning to legalise soft drug use, while simultaneously working towards the regulation of prostitution and the legalisation of marriages and adoption for same-sex couples.
And when he’s finished with all that and the world has been banged to rights, perhaps then his spiel about people not wanting “the usual political waffle you see every night on television” might hold some weight when the reporter from the local pervy pop mag comes calling with a list of hard questions.
And before I get swept away on my self-generated tidal wave of righteous and pompous indignation, I’m prepared to concede that smoking a few cigarettes in defiance of the anti-smoking laws can be interpreted as a courageous stand… if you’re a 14-year-old schoolboy loitering behind a school bicycle shed with a gang of peers egging you on. As John Deasy is neither 14 nor a schoolboy, we can only assume that he made his famous stand in the Dail bar because, as stands go, it was nice and snuggly and safe. Sadly, a campaign for the legalisation of cannabis might not go down so well with the voters in his Waterford constituency, so – surprise, surprise – John Deasy draws the line at endorsing that particular personal freedom.
It’s a measure of how far-removed my finger is from what passes for the pulse of Fine Gael politics that, before he famously sparked up a tab in the Dail bar, I’d never even heard of Deasy. Indeed it’s probably fair to say that before he famously sparked up a tab in the Dail bar, most people in London had never heard of either him or his party. Most of them still couldn’t pick John Deasy out of a line-up, but at least news of the “Irish MP geezer wot got sacked for smoking” garnered a certain amount of publicity in the days after his dismissal - most of it good. He’ll have loved that, being the kerrr-azy renegade that he is. John Deasy: A rebel without a clue. Or a spine.
But enough about politics – my head is starting to throb. Far more pressing is my overwhelming need to marvel at the preponderance of big names currently participating at the most kick-ass rock ‘n’ roll World Snooker Championships of all time. The tournament will have ended by publication date, but at the time of writing, three of the remaining contenders glory in the names Joe Perry, Ian McCulloch and David Gray.
In the case of the first two, I find myself wondering if there’s no end to their talents. While the John Deasys of this world struggle to be mediocre at just one thing in life, they have excelled in not one, but two disciplines. Not content with playing guitar for Aerosmith and fronting Echo & The Bunnymen respectively, these master cue-men have somehow found the time to hone their snooker game to such a high standard that they are still in contention going into Week Two of the most grueling tournament on the snooker calendar. And as for David Gray, well, isn’t it nice to see that he’s finally found something he’s good at; something you’d actually consider paying money to go and watch him do.
With all due respect to Joe Perry, my dream final would see Messrs McCulloch and Gray cross cues across the green baize, with the former prevailing on a re-spotted black. Sadly, I fear it won’t come to pass, as the maniacal head-wobbling for which the name David Gray has long been a by-word is bound to start interfering with the tiresome Welsh troubadour’s cueing action sooner rather than later, while The Mac’s refusal to remove his trench-coat and shades could see him slung out of The Crucible for breaching the WPBSA’s strict dress code before the week is out.
Only time will tell, but if nothing else, the 2004 remix of that classic novelty single featuring some of the best known players in the game should go in at No1 with a bang. Ian McCulloch singing ‘Snooker Loopy’ with Joe Perry grinding his axe in the background? It’ll certainly knock Chas & Dave and The Match Room Team’s effort into the corner pocket.