"I've made another great movie, and the critics have already said it's a great summer hit," Arnold Schwarzenegger declared at Cannes recently, promoting his latest bid for world domination, "The Last Action Hero". This was despite the fact that 'the critics' hadn't even seen this alleged masterpiece, since the director had not finished frantically reshooting and re-editing after disastrous sneak previews.

Columbia Pictures considered "The Last Action Hero" a sure fire hit, with studio chief Mark Canton referring to it not as a movie but a 'franchise'. Film merchandise includes a line of Mattel action toys and seven kinds of video games. But While "Jurassic Park" notched up over $140 million in its first two weeks of release, "The Last Action Hero" could only manage $30 (million, that is).

Which is not to be sniffed at, I suppose. But the reviews are. It is "A joyless, soulless machine of a movie," according to industry Bible, Variety. "This $80 million-plus mish-mash of fantasy, industry in-jokes, self-reverential parody, film-buff gags and too-big action set-pieces will test the clout of a humongous superstar-driven marketing campaign to put over a picture people won't much like."

"Take the word 'BLOCKBUSTER'. Dynamite the beginning, chop off the end and what's left? 'BUST'," said the Hollywood Reporter, a magazine not renowned for its sarcasm. And it doesn't get any better, with reviewers everywhere comparing the odd-ball hybrid of children's fantasy and action movie satire unfavourably to, gulp, "Hudson Hawk".

So what is Arnie's catchphrase in the movie that looks set to deflate his pumped up image as the most successful film star ever? What pithy line does he mutter over and over before dispatching villains?

"Big mistake!"

It has a certain ring of truth to it. He'll be back, no doubt. I wonder if the same can be said of the script doctor who came up with the ominous catchline?

The screenplay for "Last Action Hero" was originally titled "Extremely Violent", but that was before Arnie came on board and hired his own writers to turn it into a PG. Arnie, who has violently dispatched some 275 people onscreen, has apparently decided it was time for a kinder, gentler persona.

"In our business, it's like in the political arena: you have to find out what the audience really wants," Schwarzenegger told American Premiere magazine. "The country is going in an anti-violence direction. I think America has seen now enough of what violence has done in the cities."

He even went so far as to insist that Mattel, who are marketing a 15-inch Arnie doll, get rid of its arsenal of machine guns, missiles and flamethrowers. "That was OK for the Arnold of the '80s," he insisted, "but not the Arnold of the '90s." So now the doll throws a punch and comes in a box labelled 'Play it smart. Never play with real guns.' Oh, and it speaks. No prizes for guessing what the doll, priced $22 and filling up toy shops near you, has to say.

"Big mistake!"

Meanwhile, Arnie has just signed on to star as Richard The Lionheart in Paul Verhoeven's movie about the crusades, which the director, not known for his restraint ("Robocop", "Total Recall") has promised will be one of the most expensive and violent pictures ever made. Arnie is reported to be "very excited" about the project which will, in keeping with his kinder, gentler image, feature no guns. A lot of bloody great swords though.

We all know that Hollywood loves any film with a number after the title. "Die Hard III" and "Die Hard IV" go into back-to-back production this summer, with Bruce Willis taking on terrorists on the as-yet-unfinished LA subway in the third instalment and the fourth still under wraps (which presumably means they haven't finished the script). Other sequels in production include "Wayne's World II", "Sister Act 2" and "Naked Gun 3 and a third". But the one we're all waiting for with bated breath . . . is "Easy Rider II".

25 years on, Dennis Hopper has finally agreed to direct and appear in the sequel, with Peter Fonda rumoured to be coming on board. This despite the fact that, as admirers of the original anti-establishment biker classic will recall, both the central characters were blown away by rednecks at the end of the movie.

Perhaps, taking a cue from "Jurassic Park", the bikers are to be reconstructed from particles of DNA scraped off the road. But, since both actors must be going on sixty, what exactly will they be riding this time around? Souped up bath chairs or personalised electric golf carts?

And still, curiously, on the subject of the sixties, golf carts and dinosaurs, actor David Warner has brought some disturbing news back from LA. Close friends with Bob Dylan since they appeared together, improbably, in a Dominic Behan play in 1965, he has been talking of his recent encounters with the mystic rock legend on the, uh, golf course. Bob, it seems, has become quite an adherent of this leisurely sport, practising his strokes at every opportunity and even dressing in full chequered pants and cloth cap regalia.

It is Fairway 61 Revisited. The times they have changed. Official.