The first Israeli rap film does big business at the Cannes Film Festival. It’s called The Boys In The Likud… Disgraced British perjurer Jeffrey Archer announces that when he’s released from jail he plans to run for Fianna Fail… Britney Spears stars in her first porno flick… The Boycott American Goods campaign gathers momentum all over Europe…

Obsolete Irish coins are now being melted down to make new sterling coins… Osama Bin Laden is spotted working in a supermarket in Castlebar, although some locals claim it was really Ronnie Drew… Cardinal Connell is outraged at not getting a backstage pass for the hotpress Music Awards… Leagues leaves No Disco to present The Premiership… After he views film of the County Wicklow football final, the GAA is added to President Bush’s list of terrorist organisations…

Despite not having entered the competition, Ireland still comes a creditable fifth in the Eurovision Song Contest… Rampaging opera hooligans cause serious destruction to Wexford town leading to calls for opera to be banned in Ireland…