There comes a devastating yet curious moment in every child’s life when their parents sit them down and confirm what the smart-mouthed ten year olds have been saying about St. Nick for months. Yes indeed, he’s always had dodgy associations with a soft drinks multinational. If this hasn’t prevented you from growing up to be one of those adults who miss Santa Claus far more than gods, then Polar Express’ man in a jolly red suit might just do the trick.
“I am a wonderful symbol of Christmas,” he intones to the film’s boy-hero with both the snarling condescension of Alan Rickman in a fouler and the breast-beating swagger of Al Pacino’s Scarface. By any known movie logic, such a repellently priggish display would normally be a cue for Billy Bob Thornton to jump out from behind a sleigh with a bottle of tequila and the words, “Fuck you old man.” Unfortunately, this being a toddler-friendly family flick, he doesn’t.
Thankfully the rest of the film is almost cute and Christmassy enough to compensate for this crashing bore. Adapted from Chris Van Allsurg’s book, Polar Express’ digitally animated spectacle follows a Santa-sceptic little boy (Spy Kids’ Sabara) who jumps a ghostly train to the North Pole on Christmas Eve. His adventure takes in elves, reindeer, lots of characters played by Tom Hanks, lessons about co-operation and many, many thrilling rollercoaster rides through mountain ranges.
Now, I won’t hear a word against the rollercoaster sequences. They make sublime use of this week’s Latest Advances In Digital Animation. But why didn’t they just film Tom Hanks et al instead of recreating them on a computer? The faces so resemble reanimated death-masks it’s often like watching a Joan Rivers lookalike contest. This coldness naturally detracts somewhat from the festive vibe. After all, even It’s A Wonderful Life wouldn’t work if it starred a bunch of robots.
Still, the film will certainly delight under-nines, X-mas fetishists and weary numb shoppers waiting for the post spending spree endorphins to hit. Well, until January comes around and the seasonal appeal melts like Murray for Johansson.