Questions and answers

Questions, questions, questions. It’s midnight and you’ve just done a great gig. Does the girl in the fourth row come up to you and ask you for your number? No. Does the guy from the Montreal Comedy Festival come up to you and give you his card? No.

Who is this winding his fuzzy little way through the crowd, only the drunk bloke that’s been heckling you all night, all revved up to indulge himself in conversation. And as a comedian, you tend to get asked the same questions again and again.

Bloke: Where do you get your material from?

Me: I sit in front of a blank computer screen for about two minutes. Then I play with the cat, do the washing up, meticulously clean the television screen, hoover, phone a friend. Then I go back to the computer for another few minutes until I find something else to divert my attention. After a couple of hours of this I might get four or five ideas that are nearly funny. Then I go looking for that scrap of torn envelope with the words, “ Ants, car and lego” written on it which was supposed to remind me of a really great idea for a hilarious routine I had while I was drunk. But now it only reminds me of how unfunny drink makes me.

Bloke: Wha?

Me: From looking at things that happen around me.

Bloke: Oh right. Have you heard the one about Naomi Campbell, the plane crash and the black box.

Me: No, but I could probably have a fair guess at what the punchline is going to be.

Bloke: Who’s your favourite comedian?

Me: You wouldn’t know him.

Bloke: What’s his name, I know loads of comedians.

Me: Honestly you wouldn’t know him.

Bloke: Come on, try me.

Me: Dave Attell.

Bloke: Never heard of him. Have you ever heard of Roy “Chubby” Brown, he’s great. He had one about two lesser who walk into a…

Bloke: How did you get started?

Me: Well, I entered a competition a couple of years ago for open spots and it all just snowballed from there.

Bloke: All me mates say I should be on stage, next stage out of town, wha? Heh heh heh.

Bloke: Why aren’t you on television?

Me: I mostly prefer live gigging ’cause you have control over how you’re perceived. I have done a few things on TV. But my style of comedy didn’t work well enough for me to be offered a regular spot.

Bloke: Wha?

Me: It’s RTE’s fault.

Bloke: Yeah, fuckin’ RTE.

Bloke: Which one were you?

Me: I was the one in the middle.

Bloke: The guy at the start was crap.

Me: Well he’s only starting off.

Bloke: He was crap.

Me: Well you’ve got to start somewhere.

Bloke: I paid good money to see this show.

Me: Well what about the other four comedians on tonight, did you not like them?

Bloke: Yeah they were OK but the first guy was crap.