School Of Hard Rocks

The first thing you need to know is that the HP Top 30 all-time great heavy metal albums list was arrived at through a process of extreme prejudice and partiality.

We say this because metalheads are a fundamentalist lot, and any such poll is bound to generate controversy. William Burroughs might have coined the term, but the question has vexed Plato, Socrates, Descartes, Hegel, Sartre, Camus, Wayne, Garth, Bill, Ted, Beavis and Butthead:
What is true metal?
That’s a knottier question than one might expect. Admittedly, there are glaring omissions and inclusions in our countdown. Manowar were undoubtedly metal, but they were also crap, so they didn’t make the cut. And sorry, Kiss might have been an integral part of our American cousins’ high school experience, but they were rubbish too. The Nuge never really made a definitive record (although several among our number argued long and hard for Intensities In Ten Cities), and while Cheap Trick’s Live At the Budokan is a classic, it can only be described as metal in the broadest church.
Alternately, so-called nu-metal acts like Limp Bizkit weren’t metal at all, but crap-rap, while Nickelback, Puddle Of Mudd and Linkin Park aren’t fit to polish Lemmy’s cowboy boots. And sorry Clarkey, but Saxon were always plain daft. On the other hand, The Cult were by no means a metal band until 1987, when they got Rubinised and produced the ultimate metal artefact Electric. Therapy? were hardcore/industrial, but Troublegum is the perfect punk-metal mongrel.
As regards technical criteria, compilations were disqualified, but live albums were not, because live albums are totally metal. Also, multiple entries by a single artist were out of the question, because Motorhead and AC/DC would’ve hogged the entire Top 20.
On a personal note, it causes the present writer no end of chagrin that Zodiac Mindwarp and Rob Zombie didn’t make the cut. While we’re at it, a moment’s silence for those acts who sucked big time, but nevertheless made the world a more chuckleworthy place – I’m talking about WASP, Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts, Venom, Mercyful Fate and that hammer throwing man-mountain Thor.
Which reminds us. Heard the one about the Norse god who descended to earth to make some serious Viking lurve to an unsuspecting mortal wench? Stricken with an attack of conscience the morning after the ensuing shagathon, the hairy deity confesses: “I’m Thor.” To which his comely conquest retorts: “You’re thor? I’m abtholutely dethdroyed!”
Ahem. The envelope please.
But don't be afraid to tell us your favourites in the discussion board below. Your opinion could win all 30 albums.

1. Guns n' Roses - 'Appetite for Destruction' (1987) The Gunners’ debut stuck out like a sore appendage among the blow-dried hairdressers’ convention of the mid-‘80s, when acts like Bon Jovi, Poison, Europe, Warrant and Nelson travestied the good name of metal. Appetite hit those wussies like a scud missile. Guns N’ Roses embodied danger and charisma, rejoicing in glam-punk cred (‘Paradise City’ was a blatant tribute to Finnish gods Hanoi Rocks), and scuzzy songs about smack and urban paranoia (‘Mr Brownstone’, ‘Welcome To The Jungle’). The band could even turn their collective hand to classic Aerosmith/Lizzy-esque radio rock on ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’, with its unforgettably liquidic opening riff. For about five minutes there, G&R were the latest, greatest bad-ass rock ‘n’ roll band in the world. Then they blew it in a mess of Las Vegas glitz, costume changes and back-up singers. Cheers Axl.
2. AC/DC - 'Back In Black' (1980) In a word, awesome. The opening bars of AC/DC’s comeback album (following the death of original singer Bon Scott), are amongst the most filthily lascivious musical moments this side of a Howlin’ Wolf cut. Mutt Lange’s muscular production (that drum sound, those rhythm guitars), Brian Johnson’s pig-squeal vocals and songs like ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ and ‘Hell’s Bells’ ensured that this would be the Aussie combo’s finest hour.
3. Motorhead - 'No Sleep Til Hammersmith' (1981) It was neck and neck between this and Ace Of Spades, but Hammersmith inches it because it’s essentially a greatest hits set played with astonishing power and speed (just listen to Philthy’s fills): ‘Overkill’, ‘Bomber’, ‘We Are The Road Crew’… M’head were (and still are) a glorious fusion of unpretentious metallic wallop and scuzz-punk brutality.
4. Led Zepplin- 'Led Zepplin IV' (1971) Picking one Zep album was always going to be something of a Sophie's Choice, but in the end, IV shades it on account of sheer sonic impact (‘Rock ‘N’ Roll’, ‘Black Dog’, ‘When The Levee Breaks’), innovation (‘The Battle Of Evermore’, Plant’s spellbinding duet with Sandy Denny), plus the small matter of a wee tune called ‘Stairway To Heaven’.
5. Queens Of The Stone Age - 'Songs For The Deaf' (2002) Fuck posterity – a record doesn’t have to be 30 years old to be deemed a metal classic. SFTD is the Queens’ tour de force, a demented Hunter S-style road trip through the Mojave, boasting Herculean performances from Dave Grohl (‘A Song For The Dead’), plus a spine chilling cameo from Mark Lanegan (‘Hangin’ Tree’), and that most unlikely of things, a hardcore polka (‘No One Knows’).
6. Thin Lizzy - 'Live And Dangerous' (1977) What can we say? The finest Lizzy album, studio or live (and by all accounts it was both). Tony Visconti’s crystal clear mix rendered Lizzy classics like ‘Jailbreak’, ‘Emerald’ and the languorous ‘Still In Love With You’ in living colour. Lynott and Downey were never better, while Robbo and Gorham operated like the left and right side of the same brain.
7. Jane's Addiction - 'Ritual De Lo Habitual' (1990) The Janes revelled in transgressive LA noir imagery, pagan-religious esoterica, funk-rock fireworks (‘Been Caught Stealing’), goth-rock atmospherics (‘3 Days’) and even a wicked gypsy 3/4 chant (‘Of Course’). Perry Farrell’s human preying mantis poise, Dave Navarro’s wah-wah, and a virtuoso rhythm section ensured that JA endured as ‘90s avatars long after they disbanded.
8. Black Sabbath - 'Paranoid' (1970) Want to know where Nirvana and Alice In Chains got those clanging chords of doom? Or where Black Flag learned to play as sludgy and slow as a woolly mammoth? Look no further. Sabbath’s second album represented the point where metal evolved from the blues rock roots of Cream and Hendrix to become self-consciously and unapologetically theatrical and tribal.
9. Metallica - 'Metallica' (1991) Hardcore fans might’ve voted for Master Of Puppets or …And Justice For All, but Bob Rock’s superior production and ‘Enter Sandman’ mean we’re sticking with the eponymous black album.
10. Deep Purple- 'Machine Head' (1972) The original and best Purple line up of Gillan, Blackmore, Lord, Glover and Paice wasn’t destined to last, but Blackmore’s dark-hearted riffage, Lord’s churchy/classical licks and Gillan’s lungpower ensured immortality for tunes like ‘Highway Star’, ‘Space Truckin’’ and of course, ‘Smoke On The Water’.
11. Rose Tattoo - 'Rose Tattoo' (1978) Of all the AC/DC acolytes that appeared throughout the ‘70s and ‘80s (Krokus, Accept etc), the Sydney combo led by the bald-headed, heavily inked and razor-voiced Angry Anderson were undoubtedly the best. Traschcan drums, Peter Wells’ switchblade slide and rabble rousing tunes like ‘Bad Boy For Love’, and ‘Nice Boys Don’t Play Rock ‘n’ Roll’ show why Guns N’ Roses loved this lot enough to cover them.
12. Iron Maiden - 'The Number Of The Beast' (1982) Original singer Paul Di’Anno had a pleasingly punky edge, but his replacement, the eccentric and egocentric Bruce Dickinson, possessed greater stage presence, an air raid siren wail, and a neat knack for melody. The Londoners’ chart-topping third album was bejewelled with heavyweight songs about Native American genocide (the chart hit ‘Run To The Hills’), Hammer Horror schtick (the title tune, ‘Children Of The Damned’), and epic, mordant Sabbathry (‘Hallowed Be Thy Name’).
13. The Cult - 'Electric' (1987) Whether you view it as the greatest piss-take in metal history, or a brazen reinvention undertaken by a whiteface goth act, Electric, an unashamed homage to Zep and AC/DC, rocks. Rick Rubin’s masterful production job lends riff-heavy tunes like ‘Wild Flower’, ‘Peace Dog’ and ‘Love Removal Machine’ clarity and clout, and even the ludicrous Ian Astbury assumes a sort of gonzo dignity.
14. Aerosmith - 'Toys In The Attic' (1975) Yes, the hi-gloss post rehab incarnation was one of the more impressive rock ‘n’ roll Lazarus acts of the ‘80s, but the faithful will always hanker for the original nitty-gritty dirt band’s fusion of cathouse swagger and trash talk. Here, on ‘Sweet Emotion’ and ‘Walk This Way’, Steven Tyler was at the height of his Shakespeare-of-double-entendre proto-rapping powers, while Joe Perry was a fluid and funky electric blues guitarist halfway between Jimmy Page and Jeff Beck.
15. The Black Crowes- 'The Southern Harmony And Musical Companion' (1992) The Crowes were always more of a southern fried hard rock act than metal muthas per se, but their second album belongs in any longhair’s pantheon, a feast of Gram-like country soul balladry (‘Bad Luck Blue Eyes Goodbye’), Sly Stone inflected funk (‘Remedy’), Stones-y sleaze (‘Sting Me’), and even a cover of Bob Marley’s ‘Time Will Tell’.
16. Van Halen - '1984' (1984) I know, I know, purists will plump for any of the first three albums, but we in HP can’t help but succumb to the synth hooks of MT-USA staple ‘Jump’ and the steamy windscreen juvenile fantasias of ‘Panama’ and ‘Hot For Teacher’. A masterpiece of ’tude, tunes and technoflash.
17. Faith No More - 'Angel Dust' (1992) Initially regarded as the darker, more complicated cousin of the Californian band’s breakthrough album The Real Thing, Angel Dust has since been given its due as a seminal and influential ‘90s artefact, incorporating hip-hop, prog, lounge, Waitsian weirdness and whatever you're having yourself.
18. Journey - 'Escape' (1981) No metal best-of list would be complete without a bona fide AOR FM radio soft rock representative. Loathed by critics, loved by the masses, Journey’s eighth album groaned with hairblown, satin tour-jacket and cokespoon beauties like ‘Who’s Crying Now’, the big production weepie ‘Open Arms’ and the Sopranos enshrined ‘Don’t Stop Believin’. Guilty pleasure? Not a bit of it.
19. Slayer - 'Reign In Blood' (1986) Second only to Metallica as the metal fan’s metal band, thrashmeisters Slayer reached their apogee on this Rick Rubin-produced third record and Billboard debut, voted the heaviest album of all time by Kerrang! Come and have a go if you think you’re ’ardcore enough.
20. Marilyn Manson - 'Holywood(In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death' (2000) Given his self-made sin-eater/national scapegoat schtick, it’s easy to forget than Manson has come up with a slew of challenging and at times intoxicating concept glam-metal albums. Holywood is his best, a meditation on epochal inversion (the Manson murders and Altamont reccurring as Columbine and Woodstock ‘99) that contained stonking tunes like ‘Fight Song’, ‘The Nobodies’ and ‘Disposable Teens’.
21. Def Leppard - 'Hysteria' (1987) When the Leps emerged from Sheffield in the late ‘70s, they were wide-eyed AC/DC copyists with bad hair and worse clothes. Ten years later the hair hadn’t changed much, but Mutt Lange had worked Pygmalion wonders on their sound, pumping up the Simmins drum sounds, multi-tracking layers of backing vocals, and spraying the mix with an immaculate radio gloss.
22. Therapy? - 'Troublegum' (1994) In which the Belfast trio, shorn of industrial trimmings, slimmed down the bottom-heavy Sabs/Fugazi leanings of their early albums and delivered a record chock-full of three-minute classics like ‘Nowhere’ and ‘Die Laughing’ that paid homage to halcyon sons of Ulster such as SLF and the Undertones.
23. Rage Against The Machine - 'Rage Against The Machine' (1992) Rage’s debut was a classic agitprop rap-metal record that fused MC5 revolutionary posturing with Public Enemy sonic attack and blood-red riffola. Zach De La Rocha was an incendiary frontman, while Tom Morello used his pick-up switch like a turntable scratching device, when he wasn’t pumping out great fat barre chords.
24. Rainbow- 'Rising' (1976) 1979’s Down To Earth had hit singles like ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ and ‘All Night Long’, but this 1976 album boasted stentorian shortarse singer Ronnie James Dio, Cozy Powell on drums, plus the Munich Philharmonic-assisted centrepiece ‘Stargazer’, which was resident in the upper echelons of the late Tommy Vance’s Friday Night Rock Show listeners’ polls for donkey’s years.
25. Soundgarden - 'Superunknown' (1994) Chris Cornell’s mob provided brickbats aplenty for critics who insisted grunge was just metal in nu-clothes. But so what? The band’s second album was a kaleidoscope of late ‘60s pysychedelia (‘Black Hole Sun’), Zep calisthenics (‘Spoonman’) and brooding introspectiveness (‘The Day I Tried To Live’, ‘Fell On Black Days’).
26. Judas Priest - 'British Steel' (1980) Brummies Judas Priest were initially a silken-haired, flaxen-robed old school ‘70s rock band, but the quintet overhauled their image with leather and studs just in time to capitalise on the NWOBHM, and British Steel boasted classy pop-metal nuggets like ‘Breaking The Law’ and ‘Living After Midnight’.
27. Rush - 'Moving Pictures' (1981) Yes, some of us might yearn for the misty Arcadian vistas of early concept records like 2112 and A Farewell To Kings, but this 1981 album proved that the Canadian powerprog trio were surprisingly suited to a trimmer, radio-friendly style. ‘Tom Sawyer’ was an unlikely UK hit, while ‘Red Barchetta’, ‘Limelight’ and ‘YYZ’ married oodles of muso noodlings (step up to the plate Mr Peart) with melodic suss
28. Motley Crue - 'Shout At The Devil' (1983) When the Crue’s underwhelming debut Too Fast For Love appeared amidst a wave of early ‘80s transatlantic glam revivalists (Wrathchild anyone?), they were dismissed as charlatans more adept with a make up brush than their instruments. This meaty second album silenced the critics, boasting sterling tunes like ‘Looks That Kill’, ‘Too Young To Fall In Love’, the title tune, and a respectable stab at the Beatles’ ‘Helter Skelter’.
29. Scorpians - 'Blackout' (1982) Even without Michael Schenker, everything about the German stadium rockers screamed silly. Singer Klaus’s gay traffic cop hat. The nasal shriek and teutonic pronunciation. The Flying Vs, skintight strides and handlebar moustaches. And yet, Blackout was a mighty melding of riff and melody, evidenced by tunes like ‘Can’t Live Without You’ and the throbbing ‘China White’.
30. Gillan- 'Future Shock' (1981) Sporting an all-star line up (including flashy whammy-bar bending Irish guitarist Bernie Torme), this 1981 album signified the golden age of British metal revivalism. Future Shock was Gillan's finest album, a diverse set of songs that included brawny rockers like ‘New Orleans’, ‘Lucitania Express’ and ‘No Laughing In Heaven’ next to the atmospheric balladry of ‘If I Sing Softly’ and ‘For Your Dreams’.