Mutt-movie week continues, with this utterly vile vehicle for the excruciating comic ‘talents’ of David Arquette. It is more inane and infantile than could ever be conveyed using mere words, and generally makes Adam Sandler’s more retarded output resemble prime Tarkovsky.

Gordon (Arquette) is a dog-dodging postal worker with his eye firmly fixed on blonde neighbour Stephanie (Bibb). Unfortunately, the puerile antics of Gordon and his obese breakdancing mate Benny (Anderson) leave Stephanie cold, and it’s only when an unexpected babysitting emergency crops up that Gordon gets his chance to prove himself a responsible adult. Hence, he ends up babysitting Stephanie’s cute kid (Jones) for a weekend, determined to win her respect and affection.

So far, so horribly rminiscent of Sandler’s BIg Daddy. However, the babysitting gig becomes more complicated still with the arrival of Spot, a runaway canine who unbeknownst to Gordon is actually an FBI crime-combatting cur recently escaped from a witness protection programme. Worse still, Spot is being tracked not only by his concerned FBI partner agent (Clarke-Duncan) but also by a vicious mafia boss (Sorvino) who has taken out a contract on the poor beast’s head.

Much ‘hilarity’ ensues, with a magnificently broad comic landscape encompassing everything from dog flatulence to dog-shit to even more dog flatulence. (There’s even a spot of zebra flatulence for variety!) The pure unredeemed stupidity of the whole thing calls to mind a substandard Ace Ventura, and in Arquette, the film’s producers have somehow tracked down a more annoying, less appealing and less talented version of Jim Carrey (if this is possible). Can he overcome his innate dislike of dogs? Will his kid survive intact? Will he win the blonde’s heart? Is this the worst fucking movie ever made?

An absolute dog of a movie, in every sense.