PICTURE THIS. Having endured the stultifying tedium of watching a performing midget, a woman-snake double act and a Russian contortionist, the three stunningly unattractive men who comprise The Greatest Show On Legs a novelty act that performs naked with only balloons for props have just been informed that their top-billing status at the exclusive West End nightclub has been removed and that their services will not, after all, be required at Freddie Mercury s birthday party.
Freddie s manager, it seems, does not wish his client to be associated with anything that could be construed as being even remotely gay. Embittered, the trio decide to exact retribution by stealing the guest of honour s birthday cake: a monstrous pink affair built in the shape of a Rolls Royce.
Within minutes, the 12 foot long sugarfest has been loaded in the back of our intrepid trio s Luton Transit. Unfortunately, there s a problem: the cake s too big, so they re forced to drive through London with at least 48 inches ( approximately the length of a performing midget) of garish confectionery protruding from the back of the van.
They take their fruity booty to Malcolm Hardee s flat, but there s another problem: the cake won t fit up the stairs. Undeterred, they take it to Martin Soan s house, where yet another difficulty is encountered: the cake won t fit in the door. Undeterred, they take out a window and pass the cake through, where it remains, undisturbed, for the night.
Where better for Malcolm Hardee, one of the men responsible, to take up the story.
At half eight in the morning our agent s on the phone to me going mad saying You ve stolen Freddie Mercury s birthday cake! , he recalls matter-of-factly, ever the Sarf East London wide boy. I said I aven t! , and told him I d seen some teenagers up near the club we d been in. My agent says then that the cake was worth #4,000 and they ve called the police. So I m a bit worried because I ve got a bit of a past (Hardee did seven years during the seventies for crimes which numbered, among others, the theft of Conservative cabinet Minister Sir Peter Walker s Rolls Royce B.G.) so I m straight back round to Martin s house saying They ve tumbled us, what are we going to do? . He said I know, we ll give it to an old people s home . The first one we rang said they d ave it, so we took out the window again, put the cake in the back of the van, and then just as we were driving up the road the police passed us on their way to Martin s house. Thankfully, they didn t see the end of the cake sticking out of the back.
When we dropped off at the old folk s home, I went home to get a bit of kip, and shortly afterwards the police came round to my house to question me about the theft of the cake. They came in with magnifying glasses and, I kid you not, searched my flat for crumbs. Needless to say they didn t find any, and even though they knew we d taken it, they could never nick us because all the evidence had been eaten by the residents of the Ranyard Memorial Home.
To date, 47-year-old Malcolm Hardee s life has been a series of such epic incidents. Not content with being a former member of Bonzo Dog Doodah Band and the man behind the first (and possibly only) ever pornographic Punch & Judy show, Hardee s now coming to Ireland. As the pioneering owner and compere of the legendary Up The Creek comedy club in Greenwich, London, he s been appointed as the booking agent for the Murphy s Laughter Lounge, a venue dedicated exclusively to comedy which is to open on Thurs 18th Dec on Dublin s Eden Quay, on the site of the old Screen cinema. The 390 capacity venue will be open every Thursday, Friday and Saturday and will boast an eclectic mix of the best of British and Irish stand-up comedians. So, why Dublin?
I ve always thought that Dublin was the ideal place for a comedy venue, avers Malcolm, and I ve also heard through the grapevine that over the years there s been various attempts but they weren t run very well. I don t think the promoters in Ireland are as professional on the comedy side of things as they are on, say, music.
The line-up for the first three nights at the Laughter Lounge includes Irish comics Barry Murphy, John Henderson and Deirdre O Kane, who will be performing alongside their British counterparts Jeff Green and Arthur Smith two men who are accomplished and highly respected on the London circuit, but who remain, as yet, relatively unknown in Ireland. Bearing in mind Eddie Izzard s philosophy that Irish people don t frequent comedy clubs because they can t see the logic behind paying for a laugh when they can get one for free down the pub, does Malcolm fear that this latest Murphy s comedy venture might be a tad ambitious?
Well I haven t been going around doing market research, but what I do know is that I run a Up The Creek, which is the same size, and that s been a success from the word go, he replies.
As for Jeff and Arthur, well, of course they re not very well known in Ireland but they are very good. I mean I could have put someone on like Vic Reeves for a huge amount of money, and it would be full up, but it would be full up of people who were coming to see Vic Reeves. The next week they wouldn t come at all because you just can t have a Vic Reeves every week. I think the trick is well I know it is in London anyway that people come to Up The Creek and they don t even know who s going to be on. What they do know is that it s the place to go to have a good time.
To date, Malcolm has not even seen the new venue, claiming that every time he tries to get over to Ireland things keep cropping up. He s seen the plans, however, and has been dispensing advice on vitally important (but regularly overlooked) technical aspects like the placement of the stage and bar, colour schemes, seating arrangements and acoustics.
One thing for which Up The Creek is renowned is the ferocity of its hecklers. The bane of most stand-ups, Malcolm actively encourages them. Will a similar policy be employed in Dublin?
Yeah, Up The Creek does attract a lot of hecklers, but only on a Sunday, which is a legacy from a club I used to run called The Tunnel. Hardee laughs proudly. I wouldn t encourage hecklers in Dublin really. I mean, if it happens it happens, but Up The Creek is unique. I ve got fifteen years experience of dealing with rough Sunday night crowds, and so I still get that crowd at Up the Creek that I used to get at The Tunnel.
I think the point to make is, because I ve been going for such a long time, I ve had them all through the ranks. I used to manage Harry Enfield and Vic Reeves. People who come to Up The Creek get to see people before they come famous, and generally, when they re better. I hope it will be the same at the Laughter Lounge.
Anyone seeking information of any kind on the Murphy s Laughter Lounge is invited to dial Freephone 1800-266-339