Day-glo fashion guru, charismatic leader of the Westside Staines massive and scourge of the batty boy, Ali G has finally hit the big screen. His new movie Ali G Indahouse charts his transformation from Goth teen Alistair Graham to Westminster MP standing on the “keep it real” ticket and marks the greatest cultural happening to emerge from Staines since Wolf from Gladiator opened the leisure centre on the High Street. Moviehouse caught up with the man recently to discuss signing on, his friendship with Madonna and Titanic. Aiii. 4 real.

Since you are such a recognisable star, how do you manage to have a private life? Do you have to disguise yourself?

ALI G: I az alwayz used a lot off disguizes – partly coz dere iz a lot off people lookin 2 smoke me and partly coz 2 get all da diffrent benefitz i iz currently claimin, me needz to have over 20 diffrent hidentities. In order not to be recognised in public, me will eiver dress up az a tiny old lady, a wizard or az Garry Barlow.

If you had not been a superstar what other career would you have chosen?

If me hadn’t ended up on da telly when me did, I would probly right dis minute be doin dis intraview from a cell on death row – or even more likely, I would be doin dis intraview dead, coz me would ave been smoked in a drive-by. People my color who iz born into da ghetto, iz offered very few hopportunities and dat iz why dey dont bover takin da many hopportunities dey iz offered.

What’s a favourite movie that you would have liked to have been in, and which character would you have played?

Me would quite like 2 ave been in Tritanic, playin da role dat Leonardo Da Crapio played. Dis aint coz me wants 2 bone Kate Winslow (me fink she iz hactually a bit of a minga), but coz me could ave prevented dat needless waste of life by stoppin someone az fat az her climbin onto da front of da ship, which iz hobviously wot really caused it 2 sink.

Which guest wouldn’t you want to return to your TV show and why?

Me hactually wouldnt be all dat keen on meetin Mohamed O’Fayed again, coz when him come on me show, me haccidently got his credit card mixed up wiv mine and I iz only just realized dis now, afta spendin over 300 grand on it.

What’s the strangest fan mail that you’ve received?

Me received dis vallentinez card dis year from da singer in Misteeq, which woz strange – firstly coz she sent it thru her solicitor and secondly coz, in it, she ask me to stay 100 meters from er house. Dis iz a bit of a teaze, coz itz close enuf to watch er get undressed thru da window, but not quite close enuf to see if her nipz iz erect.

Now that Ali G is a movie star, what changes has big screen stardom made to your life?

Froughout me ole life I iz been unable 2 walk down Staines High Street wivout bein assled – but dese dayz it aint just by da fuzzy muff, trafic wardenz and spys from da Maffew Arnold Skool. Hunfortunately, since becummin famous, I iz now also recognized by a lot of staff from da Spelthorne Benefitz Offices, who ad fought me woz hactually called Leroy Barker, Gary Speddin, Rick Riley, Geoffry Haynes or Sally Thompson (mongst ovver names), and woz hunemployed, disablist, deaf, blind and a father of ten. Da effect dis has had on me income iz been disastrous and I iz now only able to sign on at 4 diffrent dole offices.

Were you ever worried that some people might think that Ali G Indahouse was a film about DIY?

When u say DIY, me presoom u iz on about wankin? I haz included some of dat in me film, coz me wanted 2 make somefin dat woznt prejudiced against any type of sexual hactivity and included all of dem. For some people, knockin one out iz da only haction dey seez – but it iz very rarely reprezented in filmz. Why should, for hexample, Halan Titchmarsh, or da ugly geeza out of Earsay, go to da cinema and come away feelin dey iz habnormal?

What’s the secret of your success?

I az shown dat by ard work, talent, brainz, dedication and bullshittin about your hexperience and kwalificationz

u can get on da telly. Avin said dis,

me woz surprized to get a show at Channel 4, coz usually u haz 2 be a lezza or disablist or somefin like dat to work dere.

Britney Spears makes her movie debut in Crossroads – do you see her as a box office rival?

Mejulie probly seez her az a rival in da box department. Why does u fink she iz still a virgin? Who does u fink she iz savin it 4? Dere iz a simple hequation 4 wot will appen when me meets er. Ali G + Britney Spears = Ali G Spears Britney.

Were you not tempted to exploit your friendship with Madonna by getting her to appear in your film?

Wot? Iz u mad? She may be well fit, but has you ever seen any of her films? We weren’t that desperate.