I DO not know how or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of you to spend a year removed from society, so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will.
This court is adjourned.
Thus spoke Judge Arthur Vandaley as he passed sentence on the four defendants who had just been found guilty in the most controversial trial to go before an American grand jury since an incredulous public witnessed OJ Simpson beat the rap. Stateside, 70 million viewers tuned in to monitor proceedings from Latham County court house as they happened. Meanwhile, viewers in Ireland were left agonising until last week before finally being granted their audience with the New York 4 courtesy of Sky 1.
The case was as follows: stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his stocky, bald, bespectacled, spiteful and downright unpleasant friend George Costanza were offered a contract by NBC to write 13 episodes of a sitcom called Jerry, which they had submitted to the network five years previously. The premise of the show was simple it was about nothing and its main characters would comprise a group of four friends: stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld, his stocky, bald, bespectacled, spiteful and downright unpleasant friend George Costanza, and their mutual friends Elaine Benes ( Jerry s ex-girlfriend) and the wildly eccentric Cosmo Kramer.
As a gesture of goodwill, NBC offered Jerry and George the use of the NBC private jet. Agog at their good fortune, they informed Kramer and Elaine and set off for Paris. However, a Kramer-induced unscheduled landing in Latham, Massachusetts led to their arrest for a breach of the county s Good Samaritan law. Why? They had stood by, laughing, as they video-taped an obese local youth being robbed at gunpoint. Using all his guile, the local prosecutor set out to prove how profoundly pernicious this particular foursome were by tracking down an array of witnesses who had in some way suffered at the hands of the defendants in recent years.
A seemingly endless array of wronged, abused, deceived, betrayed and maligned former partners, deportees, frail old ladies, former employers (including one wheelchair-bound cripple) all familiar faces from previous episodes of Seinfeld eagerly took the stand, anxious to testify to the malevolent defendants complete and utter lack of character. The defence of their hot-shot lawyer, Jacke Chiles ( There s is no such thing as a guilty bystander, as by their very nature bystanders are innocent ) fell on deaf ears. The verdict: guilty.
And so ended the last episode of Seinfeld, a show which for my money is without doubt the greatest sitcom of all time. Despite seemingly anorexic plots, thoroughly unsympathetic characterisation and an unhealthy obsession with the minutiae of everyday existance, between them writers Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David stuck steadfastly to their motto of no hugging, no learning for over seven years. In the process they delivered a show which, at its conclusion, had the aforementioned 70 million viewers not to mention the suits at NBC slavering for more. Nevertheless, Seinfeld the comedian remained unmoved by offers of $5 million per episode to make a new series.
Here then, for the record, are a number of favoured extracts of profoundly frivolous dialogue from this particular devotee s personal archives. Dedicated fans will love them for their innate simplicity, while those unfamiliar with the show (I defy you to watch more than three episodes without developing an addiction) may well be bewildered, no doubt for the exact same reasons. The uninitiated can still catch up with Seinfeld on BBC and TV3.

THE ONE WHERE GEORGE BECOMES ENVIOUS OF KRAMER S LIFESTYLE

Where: Coffee shop booth
Who: George and Elaine
George: Kramer s gone to stay at a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plonk down $2000 to live like him for a week: do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbours and have sex without dating . . . that s a fantasy camp.

THE ONE WHERE KRAMER
GOES COMMANDO

Where: Jerry s apartment
Who: Jerry, Elaine and Kramer
Jerry: Well Kramer, looks like you ve adjusted to the boxers.
Kramer: I wouldn t go as far as that.
Jerry: You went back to the jockeys?
Kramer: Wrong again!
Jerry: Oh no.
Elaine: What? What?
Jerry: Don t you see what s goin on here? No boxers, no jockeys . . .
Elaine: (Recoiling in horror) Ughh!
Jerry: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.
Kramer: I m out there, Jerry, and I m LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!

THE ONE WHERE KRAMER PRETENDS TO BE ELAINE S BOYFRIEND

Where: Elaine s apartment
Who: Elaine and Kramer
Elaine: You just tell him that you re my boyfriend and we re in love. Can you do that?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah I m your boyfriend, yeah.
Elaine: Okay.
Kramer: Have we been intimate ?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, we ve been intimate .
Kramer: How often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he s going to ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he s a psychiatrist. They re interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: Alright, alright, we do it five times a week. Okay?
Kramer: Oohhh baby!

THE ONE WHERE GEORGE WONDERS IF HE S GOT A GIRLFRIEND

Where: Coffee shop booth
Who: George and Jerry
George: I m not married. Am I not allowed to go out with someone else?
Jerry: That depends.
George: Depends on what?
Jerry: On many factors.
George: Like what?
Jerry: Like how long you ve been seeing her. What s your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?
George: Nah, semi-daily four or five times a week.
Jerry: What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out or is a date implied?
George: Implied.
Jerry: Has she got anything in your medicine cabinet?
George: Maybe some moisturiser . . .
Jerry: Let me ask you this. Is there any Tampax in your house?
George: (exasperated sigh) Yeah.
Jerry: I ll tell you what you got here.
George: (pathetic groan) Yeah?
Jerry: You got yourself a girlfriend.

THE ONE WHERE GEORGE COMPLAINS ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND AND ELAINE BEING FRIENDS

Where: Jerry s apartment
Who: George and Jerry
George: If she is allowed to infiltrate this world then George Costanza as you know him ceases to exist. Y see, right now I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That s the George you know, the George you grew up with Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George . . .
Jerry: I love that George.
George: Me too . . . and he s dying, Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door he will kill Independent George. A George divided against itself cannot stand.

THE ONE WHERE KRAMER AND GEORGE DISCUSS GEORGE S
RAISON D ETRE

Where: The coffee shop booth
Who: George and Kramer
Kramer: Do you have a girlfriend?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have a job?
George: (despondent) No.
Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George: (very despondent) No.
Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for getting up in the morning?
George: (long pause and then a shrug) I like to get the daily news.

THE ONE WHERE GEORGE PEES
IN THE SHOWER

Where: Jerry s apartment
Who: George and Elaine
George: Could it be because you don t want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower?
Elaine: No, that s not it!
George: Well I think that s exactly what it is!
Elaine: Why couldn t you just wait?
George: I was there! I saw a drain!
Elaine: Since when is a drain a toilet?
George: It s all pipes, what s the difference!?!
Seinfeld can be seen on BBC2, Tuesdays at 11:15pm and TV 3, Wednesdays at 10pm.