THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT (Directed by Renny Harlin. Starring Geena Davis, Samuel L. Jackson, Brian Cox.)

APPARENTLY undeterred by the horrific mess they made of Cutthroat Island, director Renny Harlin (Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger) and his wife Geena Davis have gone ahead and made another dire actioner – this time with the dubious benefit of a $4m script by Hollywood hack Shane Black, the man who penned Lethal Weapon and The Last Boy Scout.

As you can probably guess, the result is a polished, competent, high-octane slice of mega-budget dross; and while it has enough spectacular stunts, snappy editing and extravagant special effects to ensure a surefire hit, its general tone is so infuriatingly dumb that I completely lost interest at an early stage and started counting from one to 10,000 to break the monotony.

It’s the kind of flick where, with no compunction whatsoever, the characters instinctively leap through glass windows to avoid being roasted by raging balls of flame, and end up landing on their feet with no facial injuries at all (apart from a few superficial scratches).

It’s the kind of flick that uses such novel, ingenious dramatic devices as getting person A to point a gun at person B who is also pointing a gun at person C (invariably an ally of person A), resulting in a reluctance all round to pull the trigger.

It’s that kind of flick. It’s an empty, crude, ridiculous, soulless effort, with a smut quotient that might embarrass Brendan O’Carroll, and the most painfully over-extended finale I’ve seen since, eh, Cutthroat Island.

Geena Davis is considerably more convincing as an action superhero than was the case in Cutthroat, and she escapes with her dignity more or less intact, despite having to bark such elegant phrases as ‘suck my dick, bastards’.

Her buddy and partner-in-crime is Samuel L. Jackson, a highly capable actor who isn’t exactly challenged by a movie which basically requires him to recycle the intensely irritating ‘black sidekick’ role he essayed in the infinitely more enjoyable Die Hard With A Vengeance. The pair of them are well up to the task in hand, and they trade moronic one-liners throughout with an impressive ease that almost distracts attention from the duffness of the dialogue.

But despite their best efforts, The Long Kiss Goodnight still grates on the nerves from start to finish: it isn’t just the dialogue that does it, it’s the blatantly manipulative style of the whole thing. Harlin’s obsession with knives, eyes and stabbings is even more in evidence than it was on Cutthroat Island: and so too, unfortunately, is his predilection for excessively drawn-out endings

A vastly unentertaining load of tripe, this is. Action fans: go and see the new Steven Seagal movie instead. At least it’s honest..(CF)