THE PATRIOT

Directed by Roland Emmerich. Starring Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger

Who needs history when we have Mel Gibson to enlighten us with his take on events?

Essentially an American Revolution rehash of Braveheart (but nowhere near as much fun), The Patriot purports to be the definitive filmic reconstruction of the War of Independence, and is quite the most shameless example of demented in-your-face Stars-and-Stripes-waving we've witnessed since, at a stretch, The Hunt For Red October.

Apart from a few gratifying scenes where the Yank natives unleash sniper-fire on their Brit occupiers - and it's presented as a very good thing indeed - The Patriot is a foul, bloated, bombastic monstrosity, replete with more unspeakably grisly violence than anything seen in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and crassly simplistic in its approach to historical detail.

It's directed in characteristically manipulative fashion by the infernal Emmerich (who gifted us Godzilla and Independence Day) and it takes two-and-a-half hours to spin its simpleton yarn: the net result is a headache accompanied by nausea and a splitting pain in the eardrums, among other symptoms.

Set in colonial-era America, the plot pitches widowed South Carolina farmer and ex-war criminal Benjamin Martin (Gibbo in trademark form) as a reluctant warrior forced into action by the dastardly Brit oppressors, fiendish Nazi types with impossibly snotty accents and fixed expressions of sneering callousness.

Their unspeakable behaviour forces Gibbo's central dilemma: should he hang onto his commie/pacifist views, or should he resume the role of axe-wielding maniac for the sake of his country's freedom?

No contest. Gibson adopts an expression of near-sexual ecstasy as he hacks a corpse to pieces in front of his kids - you can almost make out the vague outlines of a hard-on - and over a succession of gruesomely bloody battle sequences, he strikes at the opportunity to lead his flag to freedom.

He's also, by some distance, one of the least likable 'heroes' ever to stalk a screen - his kids cower at the sound of his very voice, while Aussie export Heath Ledger (Ten Things I Hate About You) flounders hopelessly in the role of Gibson's eldest son. Scenes of savage dismemberment are presented with far too much relish for comfort, and the chief protagonist seems to take an inordinate amount of pleasure in carrying them out. The only light relief is provided by Jason Isaacs' too-evil-to-be-true portrayal of the dastardly Colonel Tavington, a snivelling evil-Brit figure who far outstrips anything seen in Braveheart.

Otherwise, The Patriot is as hideous an epic as any we've been force-fed in our lifetimes, and all prints of the film should be burnt post-haste.

Do not watch.