a) You work hard for the money.
b) They call you the workin’ man.
c) You’ve been working on the railroad, all the live-long day.

Whichever of these finger-clicking, toe-tapping assertions applies to you, one thing’s for sure; humans look forward to a Bank Holiday weekend like furry little rodents look forward to Groundhog Day. There really is nothing sweeter than knowing you’ve got three blissful days to squander, without the pressure of family gatherings, work dos or any other pesky seasonal events involving forced conversation and awkward silences.

Of course, with Hallowe’en plonked at the end of this particular Bank Holiday weekend (which runs from October 28 – 31, donchaknow?), you may be required to spend a small part of your break in costume, but fear not, copies of Princess Beatrice’s Royal Wedding hat have been mass-produced for precisely this purpose.
Even better news – Team Hot Press have scoured the country looking for the best ways to keep you entertained, and we’ve compiled them all into this handy day-by-day guide. So grab a couple of pairs of underwear, study the following text laboriously and get ready to turn off that little lamp in your brain. Here’s how you can have the bank holiday weekend to end all bank holiday weekends…

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28
It may be clock-out time for you, but it’s clock-in time for The Ambience Affair, who launch their terrific debut album Burial in Dublin’s Workman’s Club. Famed for a thrilling live show, this trio of alt. rock experimentalists are bound to attract a heaving crowd for their Friday night show, which also happens to be the last date on their Irish tour. Support comes from buzzworthy songstress Jennifer Evans and the equally dazzling Katie Kim. We’ve said it once and we’ll say it again, don’t leave the Wellington Quay venue until you’ve tried the Spiced Banana Daiquiri.
Alternatively: Wrap up a stack of sandwiches and head over to the UCD bowl to watch Sligo Rovers take on UCD in their hotly-anticipated Airtricity League Premier Division clash (it might be the day Sligo snatch the league title from the other Rovers, they of the Shamrock variety). Or, if you feel like digging out your old Big Foot costume, head down to Phantom’s Annual Hallowe’en Party in the Academy, where LCD Soundsystem cohort Shit Robot, buskers extraordinaires The Riptide Movement and earth-shaking drum troop Torann Drummers will be taking to the stage. If you see a Zombie Katy Perry Spongebob Squarepants bopping around the dancefloor, don’t hesitate to say “hello!”

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29
If you’re still with us in Dublin, kick off the day with a leisurely trawl around the bustling city markets. The Design Mart on Cow’s Lane is a haven for independent designers and foodsellers (who doesn’t love to stuff their face while they shop?), while the Ha’Penny Flea in The Grand Social has a distinctly old school feel, focusing on vintage and retro clothing, music, books, furniture, crafts and bric-a-brac. Live musicians and DJs bring the noise, so rest assured that your search for the perfect record will be as banging as possible.
No bank holiday weekend is complete without a road trip, so with your belly full and your wallet sufficiently exercised, a visit to the Guinness Cork Jazz Festival is an absolute must. Running over the entire weekend, there’s dozens of drool-worthy shows to catch, but we reckon the Saturday line-up is the clincher. Once you’ve caught some street bands (look out for snappily-dressed Dixieland Crackerjacks at the Super Dome on Emmet Place), you’ve got a whole night of world-class music ahead of you at the Savoy. James Brown and Van Morrison collaborator Pee Wee Ellis performs with his Funk Assembly first, before spin legend Grandmaster Flash takes to the decks. Dancing shoes mandatory.
Alternatively: It goes against every semi-cultured fibre in our bodies, but you could watch X Factor. Yes, it’s an abominable human circus in which moronic loudmouths, talented dreamers and mentally fragile pensioners alike are exploited for the sake of a few belly laughs, but nothing soothes a party-weary noggin quicker than two hours of bells, whistles and synthetic fabrics. But there’s a catch. If you get through this feature-film length display, you still have to watch the results show tomorrow night. At least you can count on the celebrity guest to deliver a stutter-free performance. Meanwhile, those in the West should set their sights on Sligo for the seventh annual Sligo Live, a celebration of the best in Autumn folk, roots and indie music. The incomparable Elvis Costello heads this year’s line-up and takes to the Knocknarea Arena tonight with special guest Rachel Sermanni.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30
After all that merry-making, you’ll be needing a killer breakfast, which is where the Savour Kilkenny Food Festival comes in. After eating your fill at the festival food market, pick up a programme and ramble around the dozens of free events the city is hosting, including cookery demonstrations, baking competitions and garden tours. Catch lovable telly chef Donal Skehan sharing his recipes at the Set Theatre in the morning and later, test your nerves by sitting through a scare feast dinner at Shankhill Castle.
Before you know it, it’ll be time for Downton Abbey, the most successful costume drama in a whopping 30 years, which premieres a brand new episode at 9pm on ITV1. Beautifully shot in the British countryside and now with six Emmys and an average of 11 million viewers to brag about, this show is just about as brilliant as television gets. It will also help wash the filthy, glittered residue of the X Factor from your cranial cavity.
Oh, and those who left their hearts and their bodies in Cork last night, will be well advised to check out Mercury Prize nominee Ghostpoet peforming at the Pavilion.
Alternatively: If you didn’t make it to market yesterday, hot-foot it over to the bustling Dublin Flea Market in Newmarket Square. Probably Dublin’s finest rummage sale, the event attracts hundreds of shoppers and browsers every month, and comprises vintage dealers, car boot-sellers and everyone in between. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll pick up a falafal while you’re there, and wash it down with a Belgian waffle. When the night falls, take your groove thang on over to the Mansion House Festival where beats come courtesy of Vitalic, Dubfire, Seth Trozler and many more. No need to wrap up warm – all of this marvellous raving can be enjoyed in the comfort of the four-room indoor arena at the Fairways Hotel in Dundalk.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31
Now, here’s a chance to shake your body back into first gear. The National Lottery Dublin Marathon kicks off at 10am – no, we’re not suggesting you run the blasted thing, but why not join the thousands of spectators who line the streets every year to cheer on the city’s speediest do-gooders?
After all that excitement, you surely won’t be able for another night on the tiles, so drag your tired behind down to your local movie house where two new blockbusters hit the big screen. Having already secured my vote for movie poster of the year, The Ides Of March probably doesn’t need much more of a shout-out, especially with Ryan Gosling, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti and Marisa Tomei in the cast. Some brown-eyed hunk called George Clooney directs this cynical political drama, which is set around the presidential primaries in Ohio. Also opening is The Help, starring Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer and Emma Stone AKA the raven-haired apple of Jim Carey’s eye, a touching comedy set in Civil Rights-era America.
Alternatively: Corkonians, don’t dare miss delectable piano man and comedian Tim Minchin at Cork Opera House as part of the Guinness Cork Jazz Festival.