The Veil Of Tears

Long before it aired, critics were condemning Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire as being demeaning to women. But when Fox broadcast the show, it became clear that there was no discrimination. WWTMAM did indeed demean women, but it also demeaned men, audiences in general, television, and the institution of marriage. It even demeaned Las Vegas a town where prostitutes advertise in colour brochures, and the most common cause of death is probably meat-overdose courtesy of the $9.99 All You Can Eat Steak n Ribs buffet.
Demeaning Las Vegas takes skill, and a willingness to explore the dankest cesspits of the human mind. In other words, it takes the executives at the Rupert Murdoch-owned Fox TV channel. WWTMAM was the logical next step for the station that has provided poignant television specials like When Good Pets Go Bad, World s Scariest Police Shootouts and Alien Autopsy. Over the years, Fox has produced successes like The Simpsons and The X-Files. But most of their recent efforts have been devoid of imagination, flair and, most crucially, viewers.
WWTMAM looked like the answer a show that generated its own publicity and cost almost nothing. All that was needed was a rich bloke who couldn t find a real girlfriend but wasn t ugly enough to scare pets the good or the gone bad variety and fifty women willing to humiliate themselves and marry a stranger on national television. It was almost too easy . . .
The fifty contestants, chosen from the many thousands who applied online, all seemed attractive and possessed of a modicum of marbles. In the first round, we learned that they could walk upright, remember their names, and possessed a full quota of limbs. Contestants knew nothing about the man they were competing to spend the rest of their lives with, except that he was rich.
The audience were luckier we got to see shadowy images of the multimillionaire watching the women from a hidden booth. Now and again, he would make an approving gesture, so it was clear that he had at least one opposable thumb. Mr. Multimillionaire whittled the selection down to ten semi-finalists, and the ladies went off to prepare for the bathing suit competition.
To sooth any objections that women parading around in swimsuits somehow sullied the elegant tone of the show, the host explained that this particular multimillionaire liked to spend time on the beach, so naturally he wanted to see what his wife would look like in a swimsuit. This didn t explain why the women also wore stilettos not traditionally considered beachwear or what Fox would have done if the multimillionaire liked to spend time watching his ladyfriends roll around bucknaked in a vat of jam.
Next, the contestants answered revealing questions. These hinged around two subjects potential faithfulness, and whether the new Mrs. Multimillionaire was likely to spend all of his cash. The answers were predictably ingratiating and saintly. These women were just looking for someone to love and cherish. The money? Not an issue. This was about finding a soulmate. If the soulmate happened to be in possession of suitcases full of cash, well, that was just a bonus.
Five finalists returned to the stage in wedding dresses, and made one last brief speech to convince Mr. M. of their sincerity. Then Mr. Multimillionaire who name memorably, turned out to be Rick Rockwell descended from his booth to pick a winner. The press would subsequently dub him pleasant looking (we all know what that means), although what Rick lacked in oomph, he made up for in chin. After a brief speech thanking all the women for participating, Rick knelt down before 34-year-old Darva Conger, and proposed.
Darva, 34, was an attractive blonde nurse and Gulf War veteran who won the Sincerity Shootout by promising her then-unknown groom that she would be his friend, his lover and his partner. While the four losers were ushered away so that the wedding dresses could be dry cleaned in time for the sequel, Rick kissed his bride, who suddenly looked terrified, like a bunny caught in the headlights. The ceremony a touching five-minute affair - was performed by a Las Vegas judge, and the pair were sent off on a romantic honeymoon cruise.
Such an auspicious start. But barely had the TV execs stopped congratulating themselves on racking up 22 million viewers before a website called The Smoking Gun claimed that one of Rockwell s old girlfriends had taken out a restraining order against him, on the grounds that he hit and threatened to kill her (he denies this) something that WWTMAM s production company failed to uncover during their background checks.
Then came the allegation that Rockwell was barely a multimillionaire at all. Fox had portrayed him as a hugely successful real estate developer. In reality, he s worth around $2 million most of which is tied up in property and is an aspiring comedian who once tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records by telling jokes for 30 hours straight. He also starred in Return of the Killer Tomatoes. Clearly, this man s stock of personal shame wouldn t fill an eggcup.
Soon, Darva was clamouring for an annullment, claiming that the marriage was never consummated, that she was uncomfortable around her husband, and that she told him I don t have those feelings for you. I can t let you believe that I do. The fact that she had already let him and 22 million witnesses believe that she did was forgotten as Darva insisted that she entered the show on a lark, and just wanted to wave to family and friends, not get married. Presumably, she meant to go to the other studio, where they were filming Who Wants To Wave To Family and Friends. But Darva s reign as arch-victim was brief. Within days she was forced to admit that she was not, by definition, a Gulf War veteran, and in fact spent the duration of the war stationed in Illinois.
At the time of writing, Fox s chairman Sandy Grushow has declared that shows like WWTMAM are gone. They re over. Gone from Fox maybe, but given the spectacular ratings, it s no wonder that two other networks are planning variations on the theme. Meanwhile as allegations and counter-allegations continue as Rick tries desperately to cash in by reviving his stand up career and writing a book, and Darva considers offers to pose for Penthouse one thing is becoming clear: these two crazy kids are perfect for each other, if only they could realise it . . .