By now, with any luck, the contents of that spinally intact copy of A Brief History Of Time languishing on your shelf have, through the magic of osmosis, passed into your brain. If however, you thought that really was Larry Flint on The Simpsons, then the modestly titled What The Bleep Do We Know? promises to provide cheat notes on quantum theory.
Except that it doesn’t. Doubts over this docu-drama’s scientific credibility first arise upon the discovery of an endorsement from noted housewife-spiritualist, Madonna. Madge’s description of What The Bleep Do We Know? as ‘inspiring’ only serves to further curdle the blood.
Sure, the film begins innocuously enough with a series of talking heads expounding on the nature of reality. Several bearded gentlemen even say interesting things about probability and sub-atomic particles. Within minutes, however, even the truly dull-witted will smell a rat. Did that guy just dismiss a chair as a ’movement of consciousness’? Why does one of these ‘experts’ look like a Gabor sister and claim to be 35,000 years old? What’s all this crap about thoughts and water? Are those – heart-stopping gasp – crystals?
There is, nevertheless, a thrill to be had from listening to philosophical nuggets such as, “Every sphincter that moves in and out …comes under the molecules of our emotions”. It made me think I can tell you – Could that really be as dumb as it sounds? Is it one of those so-dumb-it-might-be-profound things? No wait, it’s just rubbish pop-psychedelics.Quantum physics? Maybe in a parallel universe.

Running Time - 98 mins. Cert IFI members. Opens May 20th