Doomsday scenarios

There are two reasons for praying that an all-English semi does not come to pass next month.

The first, and most mundane, one is that having clubs from the same country meeting each other in a continental context seems to defeat the whole point of playing in Europe. There is already a mechanism in place allowing English teams to meet each other on a knockout basis. It is called the FA Cup.

The second reason for not wanting United v Liverpool is that it will undoubtedly be a much cagier and less watchable affair than, say, United v Leverkusen, or Liverpool v Deportivo La Coruna.

And of course, if you are a United supporter, like me, there is a third reason for not wanting to meet Liverpool in the last four: to wit, the crushingly predictable sight of the bastards beating us yet again, after hiding in their own half for 88 of the 90 minutes, as usual.

I’ll grant you that Foul Play is not exactly an impartial witness on this subject. But I am surely not the only person to have reacted with mild disbelief at the sight of this Liverpool side getting into the last eight of the Champions League, after a grand total of one win in six games, and three goals (count ‘em) from open play in nine hours of football.

It could be merely a case of the old axiom about an inferior team dragging opponents down to their level. For while Liverpool are too proficient at getting results to be dismissed as crap, you can hardly call them a "good team" either, without flinching.

An awful lot of the football they serve up is little better than old-fashioned kick and rush. And never before have I seen a side consistently put so little into each of their matches and get so much out.

Against Middlesbrough the other week, they won 2-1 despite hardly mounting an attack worthy of the description. Watching them was the footballing equivalent of penance. Pass and move, my arse . . .

But surely, I hear you cry, a team that can win while playing like dogs, which is what Liverpool do nearly every week, must have something going for them.

But of course they do!

There is Michael Owen, of course, and Sami Hyypia, a much better defender than anybody at United, and Jerzy Dudek, who has been the finest keeper in England this season by miles.

As for Steven Gerrard, he may be a poor man’s Roy Keane, but there are worse complaints. Indeed, Gerrard was probably the best player on the pitch against Roma last week, when Liverpool’s willingness to take the game to the disgracefully disinterested Italians made a welcome change from their usual routine.

With the reappearance of Gerard Houllier in the dug-out, it seems that the temporary reign of Phil Thompson as Anfield ringmaster is drawing to a close.

From now on, there will be fewer sightings of that amazing nose of his, a mesmerising proboscis which makes Jimmy "The Schnozz" Durante look like Brad Pitt, and which led to massed chants of "Sit down Pinocchio!" at Premiership grounds over the past few months. Pity that. It was the best entertainment going at most of Liverpool’s recent outings.

As it happens, Foul Play doesn’t think the nightmare scenario of a United-Liverpool encounter will come to pass. This is for the simple reason that, however Liverpool fare against Bayer Leverkusen, I can see Man United once again finding Deportivo La Coruna too crafty, too disciplined, too well-organised and, let’s face it, too good to be overcome.

Although Super Depor, as they are known in Spain, were helped on their way by a couple of Fabien Barthez howlers the last time they played United, they are justifiable favourites to prevail this time as well.

Their demolition of Arsenal at Highbury was perhaps the performance of the season, and they strike you as a group of players who possess (to quote Big Ron Atkinson) "stickability" in industrial quantities. It is hard, if not downright impossible, to see Man United beating them over the two legs.

So, with any luck, the semi-finals will see Deportivo hand Liverpool the beating that they have had coming to them for a long time. Super Depor will thus advance to the final, probably against Real Madrid.

But, to be honest, this observer will take any combination of the remaining teams at all, except the Bayern Munich v Liverpool final which at this stage has to be a live – if utterly demoralising – possibility.

The horror, the horror...