Mad Hatter: Emer McLysaght

Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?

Conor McGregor. His trousers would be so indecently tight and nobody wants to see a mickey at their birthday party.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?

Graham Norton. He has his own wine range, it's a no-brainer.

Favourite saying?

"We're on our holidays." I use this as an excuse to get away with doing whatever I want, and will turn almost any excursion into "our holidays" to that end.

Favourite record?

Paul Simon's Graceland. It's just banger after banger and also reminds me of my lovely late dad.

Favourite book?

This is cheating a bit, but probably the entire collected works of Adrian Mole. Sue Townsend is a comic genius and I could read Adrian's tragic tales over and over.

Favourite film?

Jurassic Park. I went to see it five or six times when it came out and love it to this day. It's the law that you have to watch it any time it's on telly.

Favourite author?

Sue Townsend, obviously, and also Marian Keyes. Two incredible female authors who I really look up to. Keyes' book Rachel's Holiday is a classic.

Favourite actor / actress?

Catherine O'Hara is a genius as Moira Rose in Schitt's Creek. She's a queen.

Favourite musician?

The lads in The Gloaming. All of them. It's always such a pleasure to see them live. So many flying elbows and feet stomping.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?

I used to be a newsreader on Phantom FM and once said "tax c*nts" instead of "tax cuts". I also claimed that "Stephen Hunt will be shit for tonight's match", when in fact he was FIT for tonight's match.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?

Bread. Bury me in a coffin made of bread.

TV programme?

Parks And Recreation. Leslie Knope is a perfect creation.

Favourite TV personality?

The cat off the Irish Gogglebox. It's always getting into the fridge and I admire its moxy.

Favourite item of clothing?

My Repeal jumper. Extremely comfy and with a rock solid message. You can iron on an E and a D to update it too.

Most desirable date?

The cinema, early afternoon, with myself. Preferably one of those fancy seats for an extra €3 and I've poured a bag of Malteasers into my popcorn. The height of romance.

Favourite method of relaxation?

Floating in a pool. My ideal hangover cure is a warm, quiet swimming pool, just floating around. Maybe Enya is playing softly.

If you weren't pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?

Archaeologist or palaeontologist. Digging up dusty old shite really gets me going.

Biggest thrill?

Perfectly executed parallel parking. Erotic.

Biggest disappointment?

Louis CK, the f*cking clown.

Your concept of heaven?

A hammock, a beach, a bottomless cocktail, sand repellant skin.

Your concept of hell?

A gender reveal party.

What would be your dying words?

"Don't forget the bread coffin."

Greatest ambition?

Become wealthy enough to own my own island, or at least my own pizza oven.

Period of history you'd most like to have lived in and why?

Jurassic. I want to see if Spielberg got it right.

If you weren't a human being which animal would you have chosen to be?

A cat. I have a cat and she has the life of Reilly, the bloody weapon.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?

Get under a duvet on the couch. Nothing bad can ever happen under a duvet on the couch.

Your nominee for the world's best-dressed person?

Busy Phillips has wonderful style. Or else my friend's five-year-old. She has an enviable tights collection.

Favourite term of abuse?

Clown. It's so visceral.

Biggest fear?

Spiders. Their hairy knees waving at you send me into a panic. Give me 100 rats over one spider any day.

The Importance Of Being Aisling by Emer McLysaght and Sarah Breen is out now, published by Gill.