The Black and White Wastrels Show

ON THE official Newcastle United FC website, a stylish and well-constructed piece of work, there is a Magpies team group photo in which all the players are standing instead of sitting on benches.
It would be highly unkind to assume that the reason they re all standing up in the photograph is because they know they won t be hanging around for long.
A look at a Newcastle teamsheet these days is a confusing business. The surreptitious recruitment of men such as John Karelse, David Beharall and Paul Robinson has thrown sportswriters everywhere into a terrifying funk of bafflement, trying to work out who the hell that guy is in goal, or who that is standing around aimlessly at the back. I m not sure if their own mothers could pick these guys out of a line-up.
In the aftermath of Ruud Gullit s resignation last Saturday, a theory has been doing the rounds on Tyneside that Gullit deliberately signed and selected these guys in order to get himself fired quickly, and thereby pick up a handsome wedge of severance cash.
Watching them against Sunderland last week, in what must have been one of the most passionless performances ever to degrade a Tyne & Wear derby, it didn t sound nearly as outlandish as it looks on paper.
After just two games and seven conceded goals, Dutch keeper Karelse got himself injured, perhaps mercifully. But, rather than pick Shay Given, Gullit signed Norn Iron s Tommy Wright from Man City reserves, which is the footballing equivalent of issuing the P45s and calling in the liquidators.
The ancient Wright didn t disgrace himself against Sunderland, but the two defenders immediately in front of him did, and that was that.
The new foreign signings at the back, Alain Goma and Marcelino Elena, have experienced a quite horrific initiation into the myriad crudities of English football. Marcelino lasted half a game before getting crocked by an Aston Villa player, and Goma makes Nikos Dabizas, the man he replaced, look like Franco Baresi.
Yet against Sunderland, it was paradoxical to hear co-commentator Mark Lawrenson (who once earned a living as a defensive coach (sic) at St James Park) bemoaning the huge rupturings evident in Newcastle s back line whenever the ball was knocked in between the defenders and the keeper, as though this was a new development.
Newcastle have always played in this manner the difference being that in the mid- 90s, they were managing to outscore the opposition at the other end, most weeks. Four years on, the names have changed but the script remains the same - in defence, at least.
At the other end, for all his posturing as the silent wronged party in the Gullit imbroglio, Alan Shearer represents a very large part of the reason why Newcastle have fallen so far from grace. He is every bit as unlovable as Gullit, and must share some of the blame for the feud that developed during the manager s year-and-a-day in charge.
He cuts a terrible figure these days. The guy has managed one goal a penalty in five games this season, and when he was late-tackled by Gavin McCann on Wednesday, the surprise was not that he retaliated with a kick, but rather than he didn t do any such thing. We now expect Shearer to batter people as a matter of course; when he doesn t, we are taken aback.
Is it frustration at having just one medal to his name, or rage at the increasing evidence of his rapidly atrophying abilities?
He barely touched the ball when he came on against Sunderland, so Gullit s decision to bench him can be defended to some extent on footballing grounds.
The counter-argument is that Shearer would have been just the man for a blood-and-thunder Tyne & Wear derby, rolling up his sleeves and grinding out a win over the hated Mackems, through sheer force of will. But Gullit, who always looked as though he didn t properly grasp just how important Newcastle United is to its local community, was never likely to let the heart rule the head.
Then again, if he assessed 20-year-old Paul Robinson, a self-confessed Sunderland supporter, as a better bet for goals, it proves that he simply doesn t understand football.
It is beyond doubt that at Newcastle, Gullit had the worst transfer policy in the world. His seemingly compulsive desire to bring in two obscure foreigners per week brought about the steady dilution of the club s resources on and off the pitch, and resulted in massive levels of player turnover. For every bit of deadwood that got lopped off (Tomasson, Pistone, Andersson), a new one floated up to the surface (Goma, Karelse, the inexplicable Maric).
One of those chunks of deadwood, Foul Play notes with grim satisfaction, was in the news last week.
Stiphane Guivarc h, the Frenchman slung out on his ear like a dog as soon as Gullit took over, has begun the season in superb style with four goals in his first few matches for Auxerre.
His appalling World Cup performances notwithstanding, Guivarc h was one of the many luckless players never given a fair chance by the
manager. His record for Newcastle? Two starts, one goal.
You ve got to admit it s a better average than anything Alan Shearer has managed lately. Perhaps he s just the man to lead the Toon revival. Or not, as the case may be. n