Clubber's Guide To Ibiza Summer Ninety-Nine

So it must be summer when the British Foreign Legion, fuelled by lager and libido, embark on their annual pilgrimage to the Clubber's Mecca and spiritual home of pills n' thrills and bellyaches that is Ibiza.

This is far more than your traditional Summer mix album: it also functions as a comprehensive holiday brochure, complete with glossy packaging and a rundown on the Ibiza hotspots. Those considerate types in the Ministry of Sound have even included a short phrasebook with the truly essential little bon mots to make your Ibiza holiday a shagadelic success - choose from Te puendo invitar a una copa? (can I buy you a drink?), Quieres desayunar conmigo? (Would you like to have breakfast with me?), or the sure-fire hit - Yo soy de inglaterra (I'm from England).

So apart from the amusing 'largin' it up, man' noises, what are the musical merits of this magnum opus? Well, Ministry must intend the actual CDs to be used as ornamental shiny ashtrays for comedown spliffs in your poky little puke-stained villa as you listen to some proper music. Despite excruciating repeated listens, the 'music' amounts to over two hours of the same very boring and tremendously bland bad house track.

Now that's what I call sad.