LUTHER VANDROSS & MARIAH CAREY: “Endless Love” (CBS)

A marriage made in Hell: soul’s Mr. Lurve Man gets it together with the bastard daughter of Whitney Houston and Madonna to perform one of those sickeningly sweet love songs that sell by the bucketload to people too stupid to know any better. Luther obviously still thinks he’s Marvin Gaye; Mariah has a truly great voice, and she regrettably uses it to sell some of the crappiest market-directed bubble-bath muzak ever recorded. The two inspire each other to ever-lower depths; incredibly clichéd lyrics like “Two hearts that beat as one/Our lives have just begun” and “I want you close in my arms/I can’t resist your charms” make this the ideal record for anyone planning a romantic interlude with a very stupid person.