SO CHARLES was never talking to the plants at all. He was in the bushes making love with Camilla. As an alibi, he must be given ten out of ten and the rest of us a smack on the wrist for believing that any man could have been so foolish as to spend his time chatting with weeds about the great issues of the day – how the randy couple must have laughed when we dismissed the prince as “bonkers”. The word has now acquired a whole new meaning. And Camilla is divorced, and Charles is separated, and they are free to cultivate their jardin as they wish, morning, noon and after midnight.

There is some difficulty, alas, about their desire to do so organically – in the round, like their peers, with the blessing of church and State, so to speak. As a married couple, in short. Charles and Camilla are Prods, but Charles wants to be King of the Prods, and Prods are very keen on one monarch, one spouse only, for life. Diana was that spouse. If Charles insists on having his forbidden fruit and eating it, he risks being cast out of the garden and flung down to earth, his divine right to rule gone with the wind.

It’s not so bad down here, as many an English Catholic will testify. They were banished long ago, deprived of the divine right to rule, and have been mucking about fairly happily as far as we can see – two or three spouses in a lifetime, and damn all the Pope can do about it.

However, Charles doesn’t want to muck about. He doesn’t even want to fuck about. He wants to marry Camilla. His only problem is that he’d still have to report directly to God in his capacity as King Prod, Defender of the Protestant Faith, and that, as has been pointed out to him in no uncertain terms, is not on. Uneasy lies the head that wants to wear the crown.

He has come up with a rather daring solution, and that is to become Defender of Faith – all faiths. Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, Jew, Mormon, Jehovah’s Witness, and whatever you believe in yourself. Charles will defend you to the last orgasm. He is particularly keen on defending the faith of the Church of Scotland, where a person can re-marry as many times as they want. His sister Anne acquired spouse number two north of the English border and nobody up there got a chill under the kilt on account of it.

LAST STAND

Nobody’s sporran fell off. No heads rolled. His aunt Margaret might have got a little drunk because she wasn’t given the Scots option when she wanted to marry the divorced Group Captain Townsend back in the Middle Ages; she wed Snowdon instead, it didn’t work and she was forced to seek solace with the common or garden landscape artist Roddy Llewellyn.

That doubtless affected Charles’ vision of the future for it was an unmistakably sorry sight. Mr. Llewellyn was not swamped with offers of employment, royal connections notwithstanding. It is perfectly understandable that the Prince does not want to go bob-a-jobbing – especially now that we know he knows fuck all about plants.

And do we want a King who will change faith at the drop of a Tampon? The English went down that road before with Henry the Eighth, and many women lost their heads. Do we want a King who will be in constant battle with the Pope?

Hmmm. Hang on a minute. This is interesting. Charles goes to Westminster Abbey as Defender of Faith and the leaders of the largest religious group in Britain – the Catholics – decline to attend. Paisley turns up to protest at Charles giving parity of esteem to Catholics anyway. Muslims reject the infidel taking charge of their business. Jews demand that he defend Israel.

Jehovah’s Witnesses insist that he come out against blood transfusions. Mormons ask that he hand over ten per cent of his income. Diana asks for the children back on grounds of grass-stains during the marriage. Provos ask for the release of Irish political prisoners from English jails. Fergie wants to accompany her children to Church. RTE applies for permission to transmit the whole ceremony live.

We’d get a good day out of it anyway. And Mullaghmore, Mountbatten’s old pile, for the honeymoon of course, to cement the new framework document on relations between Britain and the Republic. Charlie goes to Sligo during the divorce referendum? Provos ask for the release of Irish political prisoners from Northern jails. Diana turns upside down to kiss the Blarney stone. The Pope makes one last stand in the Phoenix Park. Bishop Eamonn Casey, or Annie, or Arthur or Peter or all of them land at Dublin airport.

Charles, Defender of Faith. It has a nice ring to it.