How not to make it in 2007

With no sign of a let-up in the number of Irish people writing songs and making records, it’s become increasingly difficult for even excellent artists to make a minimal impact. Yet, as if things weren’t difficult enough, many inventive Irish acts still manage to create ways of making life even more difficult for themselves. So if you’re one of the many acts who really don’t want to make it beyond their own bedroom door, here’s some advice to hamper you along the way.

First of all, it helps if you know nothing at all about the music business and how it works. That way you can claim it’s all one big conspiracy to prevent your works of art reaching the ears of what undoubtedly would have been an adoring public.
It also helps if you tell everybody that you only want to get your music “out there” (wherever that is) and that you are not interested in the money. That should ensure that nobody gives you any money, so you will always be able to claim you were ripped off by the breadheads in the music industry and that you could have been bigger than U2 except you didn’t want to deal with all that business stuff.
Don’t pay the slightest attention to the media. After all, they’re all in hock to the major labels, they’ll make up stories about you and may even say that your records are not very good, proof that they too are a part of the conspiracy against you. Not being aware of the media also means that you won’t know that 2FM don’t do Fanning sessions any more and you’ll still be able to blame them for screwing up your career.
If you do decide to make a record, don’t bother with tiresome stuff like rehearsals. Just go down to the studio and ask the engineer to sort it all out for you. He should be able to cover up the fact that you haven’t quite finished any of the songs you’re trying to record and that the band only met you last night for the first time. If he can’t give you a state-of-the-art recording for his €5 per-hour studio rate, you’ll have undeniable proof that record studios are a rip-off.
If you ever get to finish a song you can repeat parts of it so that you can keep it going for at least eight minutes. That way it won’t get played on radio stations, all of which, of course, are owned by the major record labels and MCD, and they won’t give you a gig either, by the way.
If, by some bizarre series of accidents, you do happen to make a decent record, it’s still not too late to fuck it up. You could, for example, send it around to the wrong people in the wrong organisations. Submitting material to people who now work somewhere else is always a good ploy, and you should approach radio programmes and record companies that never use your type of music. But just to be on the safe side you should try to make the cover artwork as hard to decipher as possible, especially names of tracks.
Similarly, it’s good to make your contact info either unreadable or, better still, left off the sleeve altogether. Then you won’t be troubled by people trying to interview you or give you a gig, so you’ll have covered quite a few bases through the record alone.
These days, any band that has had more than one rehearsal seems to have a website, but that too can become part of your campaign towards failure. You can keep the info on it to a minimum, and whatever you do, resist all temptation to update it.
But sometimes, given the way this bastard world of ours works, it’s hard to avoid some modicum of success no matter how hard you try. But don’t be downhearted. If things start happening for your band you’ll simply need to get to grips with the dilemma with some level of urgency, otherwise you might end up having to give up that day job in the gluepot factory and travel the world staying in the best hotels and enjoying the most sumptuous food and drink known to mankind. Having nothing to say in radio interviews usually works a treat, as does turning up late for press interviews and gigs, so all will not be lost.
You should avoid gigs altogether if you can, but should they be unavoidable you should not under any circumstances do a soundcheck. You could totally fuck up the audience by going on stage much earlier than expected, so that you can start into the inter-band argument much earlier in the evening. A few on-stage insults directed at the venue promoter should speed you on the way.
Contracts, of course, are especially dangerous. So if anyone offers you one you should either sign it immediately without reading it, or simply throw it away. But in case of real difficulties, ask somebody who knows nothing about the music business to advise you as to what to do next. But if you are still moving forward, steadily building a fan base, attracting crowds to gigs and selling lorry-loads of records, there’s still the ultimate ploy – break up the band!
And if there’s anything I can do to be unhelpful, please let me know. But don’t forget to contact me at the wrong
address.