Splicing Jamiroquai’s hard-nosed fury with Slipknot’s ear for sexed-up R&B, you say? Don’t mind if I don’t, thanks.

N.E.R.D. is the alias of uberpop producers The Neptunes, responsible for massive cash-cow hits fronted by the likes of Britney, Jay-Z and Kelis, accompanied by Smoove B. vocalist Shay Thornton. Not having heard the first – mostly electronically arranged, now deleted – version of In Search Of, we’re faced with a fully re-recorded album, replete with the hip-hop sincerity signifier of Real Instruments, courtesy of pub funk band Spymob. Heads may roll, because it sounds like they’ve deleted the wrong version.

Uncomfortably stitching semi-ironic luuuurvesexy balladry (whose cheek exactly is your tongue in, madam?) into theoretically raucous guitar episodes in an attempt to pin down that complex soft/hard dynamic, the Neps & Thornton merely come off as somewhat flaccid (penile metaphor decomissioned here, cockfans).

For every inoffensive mid-tempo head-nodder like ‘Provider’ or rap-rock (rack?) sprinter like ‘Lap Dance’ – which in themselves pass the time amicably enough – there’s a weak-ass trio of lumpen Outkast-offs determined to re-introduce slap bass to the hip-hop lexicon. Chewing a bag of wasps, listening to slap bass: really, it’s all the same to me.

Critical wisdom would have you believe that The Neptunes are vastly more interesting than their celebrity clients, but Britney’s genius ‘I’m A Slave 4 U’ (Nep-produced, natch) easily pisses over every single track on this album.

I do hope they saved those Version 1 masters…