LEFTFIELD: “Leftism” (Sony)

I AM seriously sick of hearing these thirtysomething ex-punks dicking around with drum machines, making tinkly little noises on synths and keyboards and then calling the results “ambient” or “progressive”. Paul 'Daley and Neil Barnes, hitherto better known as DJs and remixers, look set to become huge in 1995 with a sound that draws equally from Euro-techno, hardcore house and dub reggae. Leftism is their debut album, and if you really think the clouds are little and fluffy, it will probably give you countless hours of pleasure. If, however, you think “all techno is a load of bollocks”, then congratulations. We’re right and they’re wrong.

I realise I’m being old-fashioned here, but a few lyrics and a melody would enliven Leftism greatly. I don’t have Rave; I’m quite partial to the enchanting weirdness of the Orb and the hypnotic frenzy of Prodigy. I haven’t heard Portishead, but I know intelligent people who like them. But this . . .

Try imagining a double-science class with a splitting hangover and you’ll have some idea of how endless, tuneless, joyless, heartless and mindless an affair this is. It goes nowhere. The drum machine goes Thump-Thump-Thump, the keyboard goes Swish-Swish-Swish, and there are guest vocals from Curve megababe Toni Halliday (on ‘Original’) and anarcho terrorist John Lydon (on ‘Open Up’).

The songs are incredibly long (70 minutes for 11 of them) which is mighty annoying if you’re waiting for them to end, but at least represents great value for money for the Leftfield fan. He/she is likely to be the type of person who crashes back to your flat at four a.m. on Saturday night, glares at you with flying-saucer eyeballs, moans at you for listening to real music and then pollutes your stereo with the latest Grind tape. There are millions of these people around, as you will no doubt have noticed on your various wanderings. If your brother/sister/boyfriend/girlfriend is one of them, Leftism is an ideal birthday/Valentine present.

In short, music for people who hate music. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ecstasy should be legalised, but Rave should be banned.

• Craig Fitzsimons