Right you ‘orrible lot. One look at you and it’s pitifully obvious that you’ve spent the last few weeks having your brains stewed by mulled wine and episodes of Little Britain. Frankly, it’s not good enough and I have decided that I’m not allowing you near the old place until you’ve sharpened your act up.

To get you back in some kind of presentable shape, therefore, I’ve set a few questions that relate to this year’s syllabus. So, mobiles off, no chatting, no copying – and try to keep the hand-writing legible.
Is it okay to support the Northern Ireland football team these days?
Because it’s never really been an option for a lot of us. Or, indeed, an ambition. What with all those nasty songs, and booing of captains, and see-no-evil apologist administrators. Really boys; where – or, more accurately, when – did you think you were?
Which was a pity, because in these putrid, Sky-sponsored days, the contrarian (or, should that be, Corinthian?) in me always found the prospect of watching a side manned by players resembling cement-browed extras from a Thomas Hardy adaptation (take a bow messers Dowie, Magilton and Murdoch), who regularly got trounced at home by the likes of Albania and Moldova, oddly appealing.
Anyway, it seems like some good, behind the scenes, work has meant the Northern Ireland football team are providing a lot of fun for people at the moment (even though they’re kind of spoiling the mood by actually playing well and winning). But I’d be delighted if someone could confirm that the bad ol’ days really are behind us. Because – if they could just now ditch the self-congratulatory ‘our wee country’ shtick– I wouldn’t mind cheering on Sammy Clingan? He is the Belfast Giresse, after all.
Are you looking forward to a Nathan Connolly solo album?
You probably should be. Many explanations have been put forward to account for the turnaround in Snow Patrol’s commercial fortunes over recent years: new label, new approach, new producer, new attitude, new karmic phase. And while they’re all valid, it seems that the most significant of the lot – their acquisition of a new frontline guitarist – has passed by without much comment.
Anyone with a basic knowledge of his former band f.u.e.l will be aware that Mr Connolly is no slouch when it comes to cooking up blissfully melodic power pop, so we shouldn’t be afraid to expect great things from his first solo record.
Will Ash be any good without Charlotte?
Fingers crossed. After making a misguided (and long-threatened) stoner rock detour for their last record, we can only hope that their upcoming new LP will find Tim, Mark and Rick happily ensconced on their (neglected) power pop thrones.
Mr Wheeler, by the way, is now pushing 30. Jesus wept.
Do Bebo and My Space help you write decent tunes?
Well – do they?
Are launch-gigs safe for your health?
News that the legal team representing Michael Stone are claiming their client was enacting an elaborate performance art piece entitled ‘Never Never’ during his recent day-trip to Stormont (and not, as many unschooled observers had initially believed, attempting to hurt a great many people) has sent shockwaves through the local creative community. With the ante now upped so radically, it seems inevitable that ‘07 will see a hardcore aesthetic brought to gigs and showcases.
Your correspondent will, of course, dispatch fearlessly from the front-line.
Although if the rumoured Robyn G Shiels’ City Hall hoe-down is confirmed, you can go on your own.
Should Duke Special invest in a new jacket?
A no-brainer that. I’d say we’ve all gotten the hint by now: all because you play piano, it doesn’t mean you’re Chris De Burgh.
The vintage, military-style overcoat he’s been flogging constantly for the last few years must surely be fraying at the seams. Unless he plans to invade Moscow this spring, it must be time for Mr Wilson to invest in some new clobber.
And as for those dreads?