LUTHER VANDROSS: “Songs”

Perfect designer soul-with-no-soul, Songs is one of the most polished and professional albums of this (or any other) year. Whether that’s a good thing or not depends on the temperament of the listener. This LP will be loved and loathed equally, but it’s probably Luther’s definitive artistic statement to date. Songs is a flawless textbook example of fake-soul popcraft, and it’s going to be huge. I mean huge.

It isn’t just card-carrying Phil Collins fans that will find this LP irresistible; even genuine soul aficionados have been seduced by his undeniably powerful voice and perfect sense of timing. Just read the sleevenotes: written by David Nathan, editor of an American magazine called Blues & Soul – and presumably a fan of both genres – he describes Songs as “A milestone, a defining moment in an illustrious career, a classic, a masterpiece, a breakthrough to a new level of musical brilliance, a magnificent album of depth and beauty.” He’s wrong, of course: just compare Marvin Gaye’s sweet, timeless ‘Sexual Healing’ to any one of these tepid lurvefests and see who comes out on top.

It don’t move me, though. It isn’t that I find the subject matter at all annoying – all my favourite songs are love songs – but I like ’em with a bit of fire ’n’ brimstone. There’s no sense of danger or heartbreak in any of these songs, and Luther’s earnest, sincere “nice-guy” persona can become oppressively cloying after a while: he sounds incapable of upsetting a loyalist gunman in the throes of junk withdrawal. The voice drips with sincerity, but Sam Cooke and Arthur Alexander had more passion, real soul and pure heart than Luther could ever dream of.

It’s not a BAD album, by any means: the songwriting and studio craft are faultless. But Luther can hardly take credit for the former, since this LP consists entirely of cover versions. The opening two tracks are the most likeable – an uptempo, gospelly reworking of Stephen Stills’ ‘Love The One You’re With’ and a quieter stab at Roberta Flack’s ‘Killing Me Softly’ which manages to preserve the dignity of the original. Track three, however, is truly hideous: Mariah Carey joins him on the chart-bound ‘Endless Love’ and I cannot listen to it without feeling an overwhelming sense of crushing pain. Do you realise what torture we go through to prevent our beloved readers wasting their money on this shit? Listen if you dare, then enjoy his bearable, pleasant renditions of Barbra Streisand’s ‘Evergreen’ and Diana Ross’ ‘Reflections’.

Then steel yourself, take a Valium and gird your loins for the next song. When I heard the opening strains of Lionel Richie’s unbearably sappy ‘Hello’, I had a panic attack of sorts. I haven’t been so consumed with fear since the Republic were on the ropes at Windsor Park last November. Like going back to school, it proved to be much more painless than expected – Luther’s version does, in fairness, run rings around the original, as he takes some utterly meaningless lyrics and at least makes them SOUND heartfelt.

After that, you’re over the worst-the songs get nicer towards the end. ‘What The World Needs Now’ boasts lyrics worthy of the Very Reverend Samuel J. Snort : “What the world needs now/Is lurve, sweet lurve NO, not just for some/But for everyone.” You would have to be an A1 certified bastard to disagree with those sentiments.

Inoffensive, smooth, well-produced and suitably smoochy, the most consistent thing about Songs is its utter predictability, but that will hardly stop it becoming one of the best-selling albums of this year and next.

• Craig Fitzsimons