The mighty whirlwind that is Witnness is gathering pace, heralding the arrival of what is undoubtedly going to become the gig of the year. With a line up stronger than Jeff Capes’ stomach acid, this year’s festival will see over 40,000 sound-hungry punters braving mud, wind and dog rough cheeseburgers to catch a glimpse of some of the finest bands in the world.

Never mind the bollocks, here’s the hotpress guide to roughin’ it at this year’s gig-essential.

Grub and booze

Food and drink are stacked a-plenty on site, with beer provided by Guinness. However, do remember to bring ID even if you’re well over age, you’ll be asked to show it anyway. There are three bars located inside the venue but try not to get too slaughtered – you’ll miss all the gigs. You can not bring drink – be it cans, glass or plastic – into the actual venue. That’s what the bars are for. Scran-wise, there’ll be a wide variety of quality eateries – Chinese, Indian, Japanese, organic, fast food, baguettes and hot dog stands dotted all over the place so even if you get totally lost, you still won’t starve.

Getting there

Dublin Bus will operate a shuttle-bus service between Dublin city centre and Fairyhouse with departures every 20 mins from Parnell Sq, D1. The official word is that the journey takes a little over 20 mins. However, you’re far better off to give yourself at least a good 90 minutes to get there, allowing for the fact that it’ll take a fair bit of time to get from the bus into the actual venue. Tickets are available from Ticketmaster and Dublin bus, clocking up E17. Once inside, get out your site map and get a feel for the layout of the place. There’s nothing worse than traipsing around in search of the right stage.

If you must take a car, do as follows: From the Southside of the Quays in Dublin, drive through Phoenix Park and exit through Ashtown Gate to the roundabout onto the Navan road. Take left turn and follow signs for the M50 motorway and Blanchardstown/Navan. From Blanchardstown, follow the N3 past Clonee and towards Navan. Finally, swing a right at the sign for Fairyhouse (Ratoath Rd R155). Alternatively, for those who can’t be arsed with all that street map malarkey, just head in the direction of the traffic jam.

Camping out

The campsite opens at 11am on Saturday 13 and closes early on orning of Monday 15 so avoid the queues by getting down there sharpish. Remember that you’ve got to have a camping pass in order to pitch a tent and they’re only available when you buy the special camping weekend tickets for E130. The Witnness festival campsite is the only official campsite. You will be “removed” if you pitch a tent in neighbouring lands. Camping pitches are allocated on arrival, so if you want to stay with friends, make sure you all go in to the main gate together.

The campsite itself features modest amenities to keep you ticking over – basic washing and toilet facilities, security points, first aid and market areas with hot food. Despite fears to the contrary, you can bring cans into the campsite, just not glass bottles (for obvious reasons). If you are spotted with glass, it’ll be confiscated so don’t even bother. Campfires are also banned (that means ‘Kumbah-ya’ is off the menu too – shame) and security staff will be wandering about to make sure you’re not up to any mischief. Be sure to keep a close eye on your money and other valuables – don’t bring anything that you can’t afford to lose. Expensive jewellry and the like is clearly a no no: looking pretty is not the priority here.

The sites are divided into 14 named zones (e.g. Zone 1 is Jimi Hendrix) so it’s easy to remember where your tent is (tip: hum the artist’s most famous riff until it’s glued to your brain. That way you’ll never get lost.). There’s a bit of a trek to the campsite from the drop off point, so make sure you’re actually able to carry your stuff. We don’t want any casualties before the gig has even started.

Witnness gossip gems

40,000 music fans are expected to attend

10% of 18 to 24-year-olds went to Witnness last year. That includes 43% of Irish students

80 acts are planned for Witnness, but the actual figure could be closer to 100 by the weekend

There are 5 stages: Witnness Main, Upstage, Witnness Rising, Witnness dance and the Café Stage. The line up of the latter is still to be announced.

There are Infozones too where you can send postcards home, leave messages for lost friends and find out about last minute line-up changes

The Main stage is 200’ wide, 100’ deep, weighs 30 tonnes and takes 4 days to construct 600 tent poles, 50 floodlights, 2700 metres of fencing and 650 toilets are used throughout the venue

The biggest ever sound system ever used at an Irish concert will be in operation

The amount of electricity used to run Witnness would be capable of supplying the electricity needs of the Aran islands for two years

There are 450 musicians taking part in Witnness – the talent budget is estimated at a whopping 2.8 million euro

Witnness checklist

Bottled water (not for chucking at the stage in a frenzy of euphoria)

Toothpaste, toothbrush, moisturiser and deodorant to keep you snoggable

Paracetamol/Alka Seltzer for the hangovers

Hayfever tablets and asthma inhalers for the sickly

Fully charged and credited mobile to locate lost buds

Condoms. Just in case

Cigarettes and extra lighters – matches get soggy (If you’re dumb enough to suffer from the addiction in the first place, that is – Ed)

Disposable camera to remember the things you don’t

Loo roll because you can bet your life there won’t be any there

Sun block – an unlikely eventuality, but an eventuality nonetheless

Spare socks for after the mudbaths

Hand mirror to reflect sunlight and burn leaves when you’re bored between sets

ID for the barmen

Stupid hat. Just because

Skins (ahem. No reason)

Tent to sleep in

Your ticket

And last but not least… a spud gun.

(Best fun ever)

2FM

If you’re one of the poor unfortunates who’s gonna miss out, 2FM will be airing 17 hours of live Witnness coverage (interviews and music) over the weekend to make you even greener with envy. 2FM Live Extra will also be running from the end of showtime each night until the wee hours and will bring even more music from the five stages that couldn’t be squeezed in earlier. Also, two special half hour preview programmes will be screened on Network 2 at 9pm on Friday, 5 July and Friday, 12 July to get you up and ready.

Witnness Signing Tent

Hotpress and Tower Records are offering fans the chance to kick back with their favourite artists at the Witnness Signing Tent. It’ll be open between noon and 6pm on both Saturday and Sunday, with the promise of free drink, sexual favours and legions of adoring fans to lure the bands down. Bring along your copy of hotpress to get your favourite cover star signed – we’ve had Liam Gallagher, The Frames, Primal Scream and The Hives so you never know who might show up. The signing schedule will be announced to fans via an announcement board outside the tent and on the Main Stage screens. Albums and merchandise from your favourite artists will be on sale inside.

Hot press predictions

Best mullet: Ian Brown and/or Bobby Gillespie

Worst stage dive: The Revs

Worst outfit: The perpetually underdressed Melaton

Best fake Oirish accent: Noel Gallagher

Worst conundrum: The Chemical Brothers and The Prodigy who may well go head to head on Saturday night

Best sneer: Liam Gallagher

Best audience participation: The Prodigy

Worst lighter moment: Starsailor. Without a fucking doubt

Earliest demolition of backstage rider: Primal Scream

Most knickers on stage: The Dandy Warhols/The Hives

Best freeze-frame: The Hives

Smelliest headwear: Badly Drawn Boy

Most likely to scale the PA: Dave Grohl

Most likely to incur wrath of bouncers by attempting to crowd surf: Green Day

Most likely to rock: The Prodigy