Music
16 Apr 01

The Roll of Dishonour

A happy New Year to you, getting happier by the day, considering the position of the powers that be who still have ambitions to control our lives. (Pause for laughter, pour yourself a drink, and get ready to tot up the damage they have done themselves so far, with fifty more weeks still to go.)

1. The Catholic Church

Bishop Eamon Casey is the absconding father of a child. Bishop Jeremiah Newman is an alcoholic. All Bishops have acknowledged that priests who sexually abused children were given refuge and shelter by the church. Archbishop Cahal Daly has confessed that there was nothing he could have done about that even if he’d wanted to, which he didn’t, because he didn’t realise how damaged children would be if a priest attacked them sexually, nor how addicted priests could be to such perversion. The Holy Lads have warned that there will be a flood of revelations about the church’s sordid sexual past, that it’s going to cost a fortune in damages, and that lay Catholics had better get ready to pay for it, since the hierarchy and the priests live on expenses and have no money of their own.

They have also called for compassion for gay priests who die sniffing stuff while watching porno movies in all-male nightclubs, ruled out women priests because they don’t have balls, asked for two million pounds from the faithful to keep Maynooth going, and have promised to oppose the divorce referendum this year because it’s really bad for children (compared to what, the Bishops did not, alas, say. But they wouldn’t, would they? I mean, they couldn’t, could they, invite comparisons, given what they’ve done to the little children?)

2. Fianna Fáil

At first this great party thought Albert was wrong, now it thinks he is right, about Whelehan, Duggan, Fitzsimons et al, but if he is right, then the rest of the party was wrong. Albert thought he was right, initially, then he said he was wrong, now he says he was right in the first place, therefore wrong to criticise Harry Whelehan after first praising him. He has apologised to Harry, and Ray Burke will presumably have to apologise to Albert. Bertie Ahern has to keep the party from bursting and Maire Geoghegan-Quinn thinks she’s been hard done by too, so it looks like they’ll be bowing like Japs to each other for the next twelve months saying “Solly, Solly, ah so, exactly”. The present government should not laugh at this. Fianna Fáil is like a bear with a sore head. Wouldn’t you be? – the country’s awash with money, the guns are silent, there will soon be an agreed Ireland and Fianna Fáil threw it all away. What the hell happened?

3. The Kerry Babies case

There was no crime, there was only one baby, and we still don’t know if it was born in the house or in the field. What the hell happened in Kerry in 1985, in the Dáil in 1994, in the Committee that guaranteed it would find out everything in 1995?

4. Fine Gael

Who cares what happened? The working class can kiss our ass, we’ve got the boss job at last. (Ditto the Catholic Church, the Labour Party, Democratic Left.)

5. Democratic Left

What guns? Official IRA guns? As long as the guns stay silent, and we get to keep our government jobs, who the hell cares about Official guns, Provisional guns, or Harry Whelehan’s reputation for that matter.

6. Harry Whelehan, advocate in the X case, former President of the High Court:

I coulda been a contender.

7. Declan Costello, judge in the X case and current President of the High Court:

We were both contendas and I won, Harry.

8. Harry:

But we were agreed on the X case.

9. Declan:

Shadduppa your face Harry.

10. Supreme Court:

Don’t even think abouddit, Harry.

11. Overcrowded Law Library:

Welcome back, Harry.