IF SUEDE'S floppy fringes and the Manics' shoddily applied eyeliner are what pass for glamour these days in British pop circles, dear old Marc Bolan and Freddie Mercury must be jitterbugging in their graves.
You have to admire both bands for trying so hard but pretending you're bisexual when you're patently not and smothering yourself in the entire contents of the Boots make-up counter are hardly the things to set hearts-a-racing or loins-a-girding.
"Absolutely," agrees the lady who gave Manc popsters Intastella their name. "And anyway, Brett's got a big arse. How can he call himself a sex symbol with that wobbling all over the shop?".
Well, that's one less Christmas card Lorraine Freeney will be sending this year! Stella has recently teased her locks into a gravity defying beehive which makes her look like a cross between Dusty Springfield and Racquel from Coronation Street. I was a bit concerned she'd take a dim view of this friendly observation but instead of doing me irreparable damage with the pointy ends of her stilettos, the chanteuse seems quite flattered by the comparison.
"I'm a big kid," she giggles in suitably youthful fashion, "because I still love to dress up and pretend I'm someone else. You know, a Hollywood starlet or a gangster's moll. Intastella are one of the few English bands around at the moment that are glamorous but in a kitsch rather than serious way. I'm not Princess Di - I don't spend every waking moment worrying about my hair and clothes and I'd dress exactly the same way if I wasn't in a group."
Yes, I'm sure Tesco's would be delighted if Stella reported for check-out duty in her best gold lamé party frock.
"The reason people have become so obsessed with nostalgia," she continues sensibly ignoring my facetious comment, "is that compared to the sixties and seventies, the 1990's are bloody boring. Nobody's having fun anymore, there's no colour, and while I realise there's more to music than image, bands that are dull tend to make pretty unexciting records."
So who, in Stella's opinion, cuts it on both levels?
"Paul Weller - he's always had it and he'll never lose it! Bjørk has great individual style but maybe that's because she's foreign. You don't find too many Icelanders wandering round Liverpool or Manchester, do you?."
Well, not the last time I visited Goodison Park or Old Trafford, no. After an annus horribilis in which they were discarded by MCA and trampled underfoot by rats leaving the good ship H.M.S. Baggy, Intastella return to the fray this week with a new EP that features a guest performance from fellow 'Madchester' casualty, Shaun Ryder. Not surprisingly, it's earnt them acres of press, though not always for the right reasons.
"Shaun told an English magazine that he used to shag me in the toilets at the Haçienda," complains Stella in a voice that suggests she's not entirely disapproving, "which despite being a great story, is totally untrue. Then there's the drug stuff - I can understand journalists being interested in that but it's got nothing to do with us and even as far as Shaun's concerned, it's ancient history.
"The bottom line, and we were aware of this from the start, is that the single wouldn't have got one tenth of the publicity it has done without Shaun Ryder's name on it."
Pardon me for being a party pooper but isn't that rather manipulative?
"Well, sometimes you have to be cheeky and hand it to the press on a plate. 'Can You Fly Like You Mean It' is a top tune and regardless of the hype or the novelty factor, it deserves to be heard. I don't see the problem - the papers have got their story, Shaun's back in the spotlight and our profile's been raised. I'd call that a result."
Ryder recorded his contribution in 30 minutes flat, leaving Stella and the boys to skingraft his dirty phone-call drawl on to the finished track. Reminiscent of Pills, Thrills & Bellyaches-era Happy Mondays, it sits comfortably alongside the psychedelic meanderings of its double 'A' side partner, 'Drifter', which finds Stella on the prowl for a new lover.
"We were quite relieved when MCA gave us the boot," reveals the femme fatale, "because apart from our A&R man, they all thought we were thick northern bastards and treated us like lepers. Big record companies are only good for their money and when they don't spend it on you, there's no point hanging around.
"The situation's completely different now. We're signed to an indie label called Planet 3, which is run by the bloke who discovered the Pistols and Duran Duran, Dave Ambrose, and they can't afford to treat us as priority number 35. If they do, they're going to find themselves sleeping in doorways in a couple of years time."
And will Intastella be in the cardboard box next to them?
"No," Stella giggles again. "We'll be in the 5-star hotel round the corner drinking champagne. If you don't believe you're going to be massive, you've no right being in a band and I could definitely live with being a filthy rich pop star."
And if that doesn't work out, she's always got her Tesco's uniform.