SOPHIE B. HAWKINS: “Whaler” (Columbia)

Damn, I Wish I Was You Lover was a triumph – of style over substance, of form over content, of lust over longevity. The sum of which may be positive or otherwise, depending on which side of the marketing fence you happen to find yourself.

Me? I loved the single and the no-holds-barred video with Hawkins wracked and rapt by the grim truths of unrequited love. Funny thing is, I went in search of that album in the rubble that is my record collection – and was a touch perturbed to find it has gone AWOL – and I hadn’t even noticed. No, longevity is not one of Sophie’s more striking qualities.

Still, Whaler presented a few interesting possibilities. After all, anyone who can seeing from high rotation MTV love-ins to unlikely Bob Dylan covers has to be worth some salt in the mines. (And trust me, this is one hell of a pit we slave in down here in the review dungeons.)

The affair opens with promise: ‘Right Beside You’ is a radio-tailored smidgen of happy happy which drifts harmlessly past the eardrum and heads straight for the repeat button in the subconscious long before the second verse’s run its course. From there, though, it’s a sorry mix of synthetic over-emoting (possibly for the benefit of the rhyming scheme) and see-sawing melodies that hint of a previous life in the stakes for last year’s Eurovision entry from Cyprus.

The parting shot, ‘Mr. Tugboat Hello’ is a striking hybrid of Lloyd Webber bombast and Edith Piaf – on a nauseous cocktail that even she’d never have contemplated ingesting. The dominant synthesised sound has Hawkins screeching and scratching to be heard amid the music hall over-production, a frightening aural experience, even for us hardened denizens of the lower reaches of the review dept.

Redeeming features are few and far between. Steer clear of the sycophantic sleevenotes – they’ll have you wretching like an indigent wino. Instead veer towards the cleaner, more worldweary ‘As I Lay Me Down’, a lazy look at the lighter side of matters cardiac and buoyed by some pleasantly wispy backing vocals.

Whaler isn’t going to ignite Hawkins’ gameplan any. The best she can hope for is a swift return to the writing pad. And Sophie, why not pull out all the plugs this time round?

• Siobhán Long