Recently, I found myself in that age-old arena, the battlefield between men and women, and, in a heavily charged atmosphere, found that a new argument materialised in my brain, unexpectedly, when I was countering a very familiar shame-inducing charge from a feminist that women were disempowered in this society, and that it was not her role as a woman to socialize men. (Politically correct code for: all men are bastards.)

I responded by saying that men and women were “differently empowered”. After the ghastly silence that followed my words, I was icily challenged to elaborate. I found myself saying that women were more powerful than men in one crucial area - emotional literacy. The more I think on this, the more fitting I believe it to be, in understanding the dynamics at work in men in relationship.

The context for this gladiatorial contest was a training workshop at work, on domestic violence, a subject presented very well by two women whose job is to support women survivors of domestic violence, and facilitate workshops for perpetrators who wish to change their ways.

In that context, it is hard for any man to listen to that material without feeling a queasy echo of collective shame, even those of us who consider ourselves relatively enlightened. I won’t go into any detail about the training, as there are matters of confidentiality to contend with, but suffice it to say that what was presented was tough and hard-hitting. In the role-played scenarios, the men always resorted to violence, and the relationship difficulties, while avoiding overtly caricatured sex roles, were followed by questions solely focused on whether the man was justified in his physical retaliation. The didactic purpose was to get across the message that violence is never acceptable, at any time. In the end, of course I agreed, like everyone else there – it is never acceptable, except of course in rare examples of self-defence. There is no other possible conclusion to reach.

The disturbing thing was the obvious belief of these women that men need to be educated on this.

To a large extent, I acknowledge that there are certain sections of society where violence is endemic – areas where there are few jobs, poverty, problems with drug abuse and alcoholism, and poor education. Women traditionally have been disempowered more by these circumstances than men, as escape seems a tougher option, with jobs for mothers, especially, thin on the ground. The poverty trap can be vicious for women.

For those women who have had particularly tough upbringing, they may endure difficult or violent relationships because they don’t believe that they have a choice, or in some way believe they deserve it, or that they will do anything to keep the family together, to protect their children from hardship.

Recovery for those women is often long and painful, as they have to face their own part in their situation, and take steps to change their expectations and increase their self-worth – a difficult thing to do when mothering is so undervalued in our society, and the only jobs available for them are often the scummiest part-time shiftwork.

It is for these women, at the cutting edge of our society, that feminism has most to offer – for it is only by increasing self-esteem and educating themselves that they can set themselves free – and that of course requires government action, and social change, as well as grass-roots support networks.

But what about the men in these relationships? Except those who are psychopaths, all men, I believe, know deep down that a relationship has failed when violence rears its ugly head. Whatever the cause, be it alcoholism, depression, frustrated sexuality, or other psychological factors, when a man resorts to violence it is due to an incapacity to express powerful feelings in any other way. Once it happens, there is no going back – both partners are stuck in dealing with loss of respect, absence of trust, guilt, shame, blame, and the catalogue of problems that are now classified as post-traumatic stress disorder. Emotional intimacy disappears, and both enter a stage of survival, attack and counter-attack, manipulation and control, from which it is extremely difficult to emerge.

I don’t believe that men are innately violent – I believe that those who have learned violence as a language can only have learned one way – by being at the receiving end as boys and young men, from parents, elder siblings, school bullies and/or teachers.

I wonder what it would be like if boys were offered the same support and sympathy by their peers as women who have been victims of domestic violence. For young men to admit that they’ve been traumatised by being hit by anyone, especially in the more impoverished sections of our society, would certainly invite more bullying or, at the very least, ridicule. It is far more acceptable, sadly, to remain silent and take it like a man, or retaliate in kind. None of this sissy namby-pamby bleating on about hurt feelings.

Because they have learned to discount the effects of these traumatic episodes in their own lives, something is missing in their logic when they resort to violence in intimate relationships, when old unhealed wounds are reopened, when old buttons are pushed. There’s a blind spot – they can’t see the emotional repercussions to violence, for if they were to do so, they’d have to admit the extent of their own damage. It is not that men are incapable of this admission – I have encountered far too many brave men in 12-step recovery programmes or in counselling, coming to terms with their raw feelings in very moving ways – it is that they are not literate in emotional terms.

We are not taught the words to express our uncomfortable feelings, we are not encouraged to discuss them as little boys, we learn fast that emotional displays are a sign of weakness. It is often only when we are brought to our knees by a side-effect of our attempts to cover up these feelings – through alcoholism recovery, or treatment for depression, or through workshops for wife-batterers such as those that those trainers are involved in – that we have to start again and learn how to speak about feelings.

To only preach empowerment to girls, without redressing the balance by preaching emotional language to boys, is to perpetuate the split between women and men. It’s a split that needs healing. It is not woman’s role to socialize men – but in order for men to change, we’re going to need all the help we can get. It is not man’s role to empower women – but women need all the help that they can get, too.

Sisters are doing it for themselves – brothers, where are you?