You think things are bad? The recession is getting you down? How crazy can you be! Why is there so much emphasis on doom and gloom? Why is everyone so negative? I don’t understand. I really d-o n-o-t u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d. There are sooo many positive things happening in this country that we should be celebrating and yet we are mired instead in depression and hopelessness...

For example: it may have escaped your notice, but we reached an important milestone recently. On October 9, 2009, the prison population in this country topped the 4,000 mark for the first time. Now this is truly a staggering achievement and a fitting testament to the heartwarming development of Irish society! To understand just how staggering, you have to look at the remarkable growth that has been achieved over the past 40 years. In 1970, the number of Irish prisoners was a paltry 750. In 1980 it was a still piffling 1,200. By 1990, we were beginning to really achieve things: there were 2,100 in jail. And by the year 2000, this had been increased again to 2,948.
But that growth rate has been replicated, more or less, over the past nine years, with an increase in excess of 33% enabling us to top the 4,000 mark for the first time. Hallelujah! Praise the lord! Yes indeed, my heart began to palpitate when I heard the news: we have done it! The general doom and gloom, bankrupt banks and bungled economic policies notwithstanding, this is surely a true measure of our progress: one in every 1,000 citizens (including babies and children) is now in jail! Okay, we’re miles behind the U.S. still, but we are getting there.
In fact things are even better than clarification of the numbers held in prison at any one time might indicate. While the average prison population here is close to the European ‘norm’, the rates of commital to prison in Ireland are much higher, defining us one of the most punitive criminal justice systems in Europe. Bingo! We are up there among the leaders in this important field.
So let us press on and bang up as many more as we can in double-quick time and get to the very top of the charts. Nothing should be allowed to stand in the way of the onward march of civilisation. As The Ramones famously said: “Hey, ho – let’s go!”
I know that namby pamby liberals will have their doubts about this unashamedly radical policy. Well, let them. I, for one, am not at all concerned that there are only 3,947 beds for these prisoners. So what if 60 undesirables have to sleep on the floor? In fact I don’t know what we are doing spending money on beds for them in the first place. Let them all sleep on floors. Think of the money that we’d save.
Not that I would be unduly concerned about money where matters of this significance to the national effort are concerned. After all, it costs a mere €90,000 a year to keep a prisoner in jail in Ireland. Which means that keeping the lot of them locked up is costing just €400 million a year. Why, it’s nothing – mere loose change, as we know, for some of our property developers.
One of my friends had the privilege of watching an impressively bad tempered judge in action first hand last week, dealing with a variety petty crimes and misdemeanors. Yer honour was in great form, lashing out the fines good-o: €500 here, a thousand there. And then he’d whack the costs on top just to really sicken them. On occasion, for effect, he made the point that he’d really prefer to send people to jail forthwith, except for the fact that, as a result of the small matter of the limitations imposed on him by current legislation, in certain instances at least, he simply couldn’t.
The important thing, however, was that he wanted to! Indeed, the thrust of what was happening in the court on the day was hard to miss. The bigger the fine, the less likely it is that an unemployed, underprivileged defendant will be able to pay. Hit them with costs as well and they’ll almost inevitably be forced into doing a few weeks in prison. Which is where we want them.
Now I am also aware that vested interests out there in cloud cuckoo land may suggest that a less principled and forthright approach might be preferable. Their puerile arguments are familiar:

(1) Prison sentences should be a last resort;

(2) The ambition should be to reduce not increase the numbers in custody;

(3) Failure to pay fines should lead to community service orders rather than jail;

4) Putting people in jail only involves them with career criminals, which is counter-productive and therefore to be avoided if at all possible;

(5) Therefore, in general, community service orders are a far better way of dealing with anything other than serious crimes;

(7) The Probation Act and suspended sentences should be more widely and effectively used;

(8) Taxpayers money would be far better spent on the probation and welfare services rather than on putting people in jail.

And so on and on.
Well, let them whinge. I think we should be proud of the fact that so many people are given sentences of six months or less and that there is such a constant flow of people in and out and in and out and in and out of our prisons. The greater the number of Joe Soaps who experience these fine institutions for themselves the better. That they are drug infested cess-pits only makes it all the more appropriate. Indeed, my only concern is that the convicts seem to like our prisons so much they want to come back, as if it’s their annual trip to Butlin’s. Thus, if we could re-introduce public flogging, ration the food given to inmates and make sure they have no books to read or TVs to watch, then finally I think we’d be on the path of righteousness.
Only one other thing: might it be possible to arrange to have some of these people who have been seeing apparitions in Knock put in there as well? I think we’d all be much, much safer...