Dear John,
I read this week with interest about the deportations you re organising at the moment. A whole eight of them in just nine days? God, you must be a very busy man. Well done!
I noticed from the news reports that the individuals concerned were mainly those eastern European types three Romanians and five Moldovans, if memory serves me. Well, we don t want those types hanging around here, that s for sure. Moldovans, how are you! Sure the vast majority of us clean-living, green-blooded Irish wouldn t even know where Moldova is. Get rid of them, I say. Quick. Before they breed!
But, sure, I don t need to tell you that, obviously. No better man for getting stuck in and getting his hands dirty if necessary, by the look of things. If that report I was reading is correct, you ve got another 70 of the spongers lined up for the high jump in the next few weeks. And more to follow, no doubt. Sure the way you re going, we ll be rid of the whole jingbang lot of them shortly black fellas, brown fellas, yellow fellows an all. Ordinary decent Irish people like you and me might actually be able to breathe again, instead of being squeezed and squashed on the streets of our own cities by a bunch of no-good bloody foreigners. Any chance of getting rid of a few Germans and French and Italians while you re at it? Just a suggestion.
Anyway, when I was reading the newspaper, it struck me that you weren t going to get enough credit for the marvellous and historic things you ve been doing for the country over the past few weeks so I thought of a great little idea that might just be of interest to you. Ah sure, I know you ve got your own PR people to organise this kind of thing, but I don t think they re doing a very good job because most people seem to think you re a right pig. So if you like the idea and it goes well, maybe there might be a little slot for myself in your PR team. But we can come back to that, Minister. Let s get first things done first, and leave the trimmings till later.
It s such a simple idea that I don t know how you didn t think of it yourself. Too busy dreaming up new ways of tracking down the tricky bastards that are trying to evade the forces of law and order, eh? Well, I won t keep you in suspense any longer. What I had in mind was this. You see, as I was reading the report, and reflecting on the courage shown by the Department of Justice in taking on the might of the immigrant hordes on our behalf and I thought: why no pictures? It seemed like such an obvious omission that I was startled. Surely such an historic achievement should be recorded on camera for posterity? Of course it should, Minister.
So what I was going to suggest was a photocall! Next time there are a few of them being dumped on the first plane out of here, give the newspapers a call in advance. Hell, we could even make it a Hot Press exclusive, if you like. You make the call and we ll be there to take the pictures of them being shown the door. I heard about a gaggle of Albanian rabble who were kicking and screaming as they went a while back. Well, all the better if they do, and we get the pictures to prove it. It ll show the people of Ireland just how badly they wanted to sponge on our social welfare system and how unable to take a beating they are when they re finally caught.
Indeed, it might be worth having a quiet word with the Gardai or the immigration officers in advance, to tell them to land a few sneaky blows at the appropriate moment, so that the foreigners definitely make a holy show of themselves. A good picture is worth a thousand words, as they say.
I think it d be particularly fitting, Minister, if you came along yourself. In my mind s eye I can see the photograph. You could stand in the foreground doing a Hitler salute, while in the background the foreign invaders are dragged along the ground by the goolies, preferably towards a plane which is clearly visible in the top right-hand corner of the pic. A special sign could be erected beside the plane that says: THIS FLIGHT ONE WAY ONLY. No harm in spelling it out for the punters.
If you re half the man I think you are, there ll be plenty of opportunities to get the pics done over the next few months. I don t know about you but I think we owe it to posterity to ensure that there s a pictorial record of such a watershed moment in the evolution of the Irish nation. And if you wanted to go the whole hog, of course, you could get an entire film crew, cameras, sound, lights, the lot. I m sure your man Jordan, who did that film about the Butcher Boy, would love to do it. No better man for capturing scenes of violence and mayhem on celluloid, so they tell me.
Anyway, Minister, there s my modest proposal. When the next plane-load is being deported, just give me a call and we ll have the photographers there.
We d love to get the pictures for posterity. We really would. Honestly.
Yours sincerely,
Niall Stokes, Editor