Last Saturday night’s After Dark programme on Channel 4 was a dog’s dinner of absurdity, waffle and ineptitude. The topic for discussion, Ireland: Sex and Celibacy, Church and State, couldn’t have been more meaty. Unfortunately, the chosen panel turned out to be all too meaty themselves, in the worst sense possible. This was a feast of hams and turkeys.

It was, nevertheless, inadvertently revealing on a number of fronts. And, it has to said, Channel 4 should be applauded for at least attempting to devote three hours of serious debate to the recent staggering upheavals in the Irish Catholic Church. If only we had a national broadcasting service of our own in this country.

Not having checked the weather forecast first to see if hell had indeed frozen over, the host, Helena Kennedy Q.C., was surprised that none of the Irish bishops invited had deigned to appear. The only official representative of the clergy present was Fr. Tom Stack, Communications Officer for the Dublin Diocese. His performance was astounding, a bizarre blend of haughtiness, disdain and downright tomfoolery. His attitude proved conclusively that the Church establishment here have yet to face up to the far-reaching implications of the events of the past few years.

Fr. Stack, an individual of such excessive oiliness that he probably qualifies for membership of OPEC, treated the proceedings like they were some kind of joke. He spent almost the entire programme shovelling peanuts and sweetmeats into his gob, and then munching like a man possessed. Fr. Snack also chuckled a lot, but only when he wasn’t grinning or winking. At one point, he interrupted the flow of the conversation to wonder aloud if anyone else was aware of the fact that there is no word in the Irish language for a witch. He thought that was worth a chuckle.

There was an eerie moment when ‘Eddy’, a young man from Dublin, was recounting the harrowing story of the systematic sexual abuse he endured at the hands of his local priest some years ago. The camera panned to Fr. Snack. He was busily and noisily opening a bottle of wine, apparently oblivious to what was being said.

Throughout the three hours, a toxic level of politeness ensured that nobody was prepared to confront anybody else about anything. There were more points skated around than at a Torvill and Dean show. Journalist Emily O’Reilly was alone in being prepared to bring any spikiness to bear but she was too often side-tracked, usually by the patronising inanities of Fr. Tom. After O’Reilly had spoken passionately for some moments about how the Irish church subjugates women, the masticating cleric turned to her and said with a wink, “Fair play to ya, Emily, fair play to ya.” He was only short of patting her on the head.

FLASHES OF ANGER

Garret Fitzgerald, meanwhile, blustered and equivocated until the posts of the fence he was sitting on started to come out his ears. The closest he came to controversy was when he declared, fearlessly, that he believed girl altar servers to be better than boy altar servers. Hold the front page!

Prof. Richard Sipe, a former Benedictine monk from America, had some interesting things to say about sex and celibacy in the U.S. but there was no-one to catch the balls that he was hopping and kick them home. We should be thankful to him for one fascinating piece of information, however. Sipe revealed that among the vows taken by the thirty-one newly appointed Cardinals at their installation ceremony in Rome last month was a pledge to “keep secret all those things which are confided to (them) and which, if known, would bring dishonour to the Church.” Ponder that.

Sister Helena Donohue, a Sisters of Mercy superior, spoke a lot about modernising and democratising the faith but her idea of a modern, democratic faith seemed much like the old one except that it won’t have any need for definite or indefinite articles. Sr. Helena was forever saying things like, “We as Church,” and “What does it mean to be priest?” Like Limbo, it seems that grammar is just one of those things that no longer exists for Catholics. At least the theologian and Augustinian friar, Fr. Gabriel Daly, had the grace to say very little and to merely exude an air of general embarrassment.

Which brings me neatly to Mary Kenny. What is that woman like? For our amusement tonight, Mary’s head was adorned with a bright red, chiffon scarf the front of which was wound and wrapped to form a rose-shape the size of a beachball. Unfortunately, three hours was simply not enough time for Mary to demonstrate fully her vast repertoire of mutterings, wincings, lip-puckers, tongue-clicks and sad shakes of the head. However, she struggled feverishly to pack as many of these as possible into the time available. If she had anything to say, I was too mesmerised by her facial cabaret to hear it.

The arrival of Sinéad O’Connor ten minutes before the end of the programme added a bit of drama if nothing else. Sinéad had been one of those on the original shortlist for the After Dark panel but it seems that her management company intercepted the request from Channel 4 and neglected to pass it on. Watching at home on TV, she decided she wanted to participate and made her way to the studio while the show was on air.

Under the circumstances, it probably wasn’t surprising that her contribution was more than a little garbled and unfocused. To her credit though, Sinéad was the only person all evening to face down Tom Stack when he started into the platitudes. “You’re a priest, I want you to hear this,” she affirmed at one point, staring him in the eye.

A few more flashes of anger like that and we could’ve been on to a winner. As it was, the After Dark debate was a damp squib, an ill-starred missed opportunity. Next time ‘round, the likes of Tom Stack will have to be given something a little tastier to chew on.