Bisexuals are the root of all evil. If it weren’t for their pernicious and insidious ways, life would be far simpler, we would have true equality for all.

Although they have a curiosity value, and in many ways are more interesting than the rest of us, we should strive to love them as sinners, but hate the sin. There should be a law against their so-called freedom to choose; they should be required to declare their preference for the sex with which they wish to dally before they turn 17, and register it with their local authority. Any evidence that they have wandered from their choice could and should be used against them in a court of law, under my proposed Misrepresentation Bill. Sentences should not be unnecessarily punitive, but should involve aversion therapy and re-education. There is an option in my Bill, open for debate, for the compulsory fitting of a pheromone detector, a natty device (patent pending) which is a cross between an electronic tagging ankle-bracelet and a chastity belt, whereby offenders on probation will be connected to a central computer which will register if hormonal activity indicates an offence is taking place. Friendship is of course permitted with the forbidden gender; but as long as it remains non-sexual they could escape with a mere caution. Cyber and phone-sex activity will require some research, and will of course necessitate the development of the required monitoring software.

The advantages of this proposed Bill are as follows:

From an early age, children can be taught that when they grow up they can choose to marry a person of either sex. Toddler sex education will involve separating the sissies and tomboys from the rest of the group, and informing them about their options in later life. They will be given books, films and computer programmes designed specially for them, with same-sex role models featured prominently, as persuasively as current Hollywood romantic comedies promote heterosexuality. Late developers, not previously displaying obvious signs of homosexuality, will be permitted to join this group when puberty hits. By the age of seventeen, no further swapping over will be permitted, and a lie-detector test will be administered to ensure there are no bandwagon-jumpers. An atmosphere of mutual respect and tolerance will be enforced, and the same-sex group will be referred to housing and employment agencies for lesbians and gays, and encouraged to live in specially-designated areas. Monogamous partnership will be the model for all. This way, stability and family life will be strengthened immeasurably. As an interesting side-effect, the problem of neglected animals in our society will be solved, as there is a distinct correlation between pet ownership and gay and lesbians setting up house together.

By removing the dubious concept of bisexuality from our society, there can be no doubt that homosexual marriage will thrive. The effects of this will be enormously beneficial – gay and lesbian children will find that all emphasis is on committed love, and there will be no shame about wanting to walk down the aisle with a lover of the same sex. They will have peer support in their school group to share experiences of crushes and first heartbreaks, and no more will their true feelings be hidden (as long, of course, as they’re not bisexual feelings). The old pattern of homosexuals leading double lives and becoming adept at lying will be finally laid to rest. Out and proud, they will learn to expect a life of partnership and domesticity and cats, just like their heterosexual peers.

This plan would gain the support of people across the political spectrum. Those conservatives who fear the chaos of the bisexual menace will be satisfied, for society will be based on a clear and transparent order and structure, and the homosexual panic that grips many of them will be eradicated. The designated areas for the homosexuals would have their own unique artistic flavour, similar to the multi-coloured ethnic bunting in the streets of Chinatowns across the world, but that could easily be turned into a tourism marketing triumph by an imaginative city council. Heterosexual families could visit and bring their children without fear, in the knowledge that their offspring could not be tempted to stray – it would be as safe as a visit to Disneyland, with potential merchandising opportunities such as lesbian raffia-work and pottery, and hairdressing and entertainment by the boys.

Having a gay or lesbian child would then cease to be traumatic, no more than giving birth to a child of a different colour. How easy it would be, then, to offer them up for adoption by respectable married gay or lesbian couples, where the children can learn all about their lifestyle choice from the moment a boy picks up his mother’s knitting or a girl kicks around a football.

By removing bisexuality as an option for our children, we remove confusion. Respected homosexual relationships have been around for millennia – there’s a tomb in Egypt devoted to a couple of male lovers who lived around 2400 BC. Details can be found at www.egyptology.com/niankhkhnum_khnumhotep. They shared the title of “Overseer of the Manicurists in the Palace of the King” and were therefore two of the privileged few who were permitted to lay hands on the divine monarch. The fact that they were manicurists is comforting – such a distinctly homosexual career is reassuringly non-threatening and conformist, and shows that in previous times in our history there was no disturbing ambiguity. There are about a dozen legislatures in the world that have legalised homosexual partnership – including Catholic Portugal – but they are still left with the Bisexual Problem. My Bill goes further, the necessary next step.

Marriage and all its benefits is a human right for all – the only way that can be guaranteed is to extirpate the grey area of human sexuality that is bisexuality, which leads to adultery, divorce, orgies, bestiality and drug-crazed riots. It is anarchy. It should be a concern for all those concerned with social order.

When it comes down to it, bisexuals are simply those who will not commit to one particular course of responsible action. It is time we stood up to that irresponsibility, and stamped it out. We owe it to our children.