The decision to commemorate this momentous event was first taken by Dublin City Council in 1998. The intention at the time was to erect a plaque on the relevant site. However, now the plan has become somewhat more grandiose. The Dublin-Wicklow Orange Lodge had been considering the possibility of a Dublin march, on the basis that it might demonstrate to the good people of the Irish republic that the Orange Order isn t as bad as it is made out to be. A quick exchange of contacts between the manager of the Dublin-Wicklow Lodge, Ian Cox (interviewed in Hot Press last year), and the Lord Mayor of Dublin, Mary Frehill and hey presto! On Sunday May 29th, the unveiling of the plaque will take place, following a short march by members of the Orange Order from St Stephen s Green down Dawson Street to the Norwich Union.
Immediately following the announcement that this splendiferous event would take place in Dublin, Sinn Fiin were up in arms, er, sort of. Apparently they will be organising a non-violent and dignified protest against the march. Now, you might ask, how do Sinn Fiin intend to guarantee that the protest will be non-violent? For example, if they get enough headbangers out for the occasion, what s to stop a bunch of Republican Sinn Fiiners showing up as well, getting lost in the crowd, and lobbing a few well-aimed rocks at the marchers? Furthermore, just how dignified is the protest likely to be? Picture the scene: a bunch of eejits all got up in absurd Orange regalia are poncing down Dawson Street, and a couple of hundred Provo supporters take time out from doing much more important things like mowing the lawn to gawp at the passing pageant. Somehow, the concept of dignity doesn t come into it.
Now I have no sympathy whatsoever with the loyal members, and their pathetically anachronistic outfit. I don t like the fact that it is a men s only club. I don t like the fact that it s raison d jtre is fundamentally sectarian. And I particularly don t like the nasty triumphalism in which the members of the Order have engaged over the years, fanning the flames of anti-Catholic prejudice in the North, and generally acting in the manner of boorish and belligerent oppressors.
The Orange Order officially spouts the rhetoric of tolerance but in practice it has supported the suppression of Catholics, and promoted the twisted ideal of a Protestant Ulster for a Protestant people. But the truth is that it still doesn t matter a good God damn to me whether they march in Dublin or not. Ever again or never. On the contrary, the best way of showing your contempt for the reactionary worldview espoused by the Order would be simply to ignore them. Their shenanigans are of no interest to half-decent people of any persuasion. Their silly regalia is preposterous enough to be nothing more or less than a source of laughter and merriment. And the idea that there are people in Dublin, Wicklow and other parts of the South who are resolved to support and defend the rightful Sovereign and the Succession to the throne in the House of Windsor is merely risible. Why then would the members of Sinn Fiin choose to invest the appearance of this charade on the streets of Dublin with an importance that it doesn t in itself have? Frankly, it is just as laughable that anyone would waste their energy, and their time, standing in the streets watching these tossers go by as it is that they would get all kitted out in the first place.
Sadly, it is the way it works with conflicts of this kind: too easily one side reduces itself to the level of the other and onwards, downwards, in a descending spiral till they face one another, each the mirror image of its opposite, there together in the pits. Until and unless one or the other concludes we have had enough of this futile conflict , and rises above it all. I would have hoped that Sinn Fiin would have been capable of this. I would have hoped that the Ulster Unionist Party would too. So far neither have made the necessary leap. And it seems to be getting harder by the day.
In a sense this is the challenge for us all. I dislike Roman Catholic pageants. I dislike Republican pageants. I dislike Orange pageants. And I dislike the Changing of the Guard. But not one of these things is worth opposing. Far better to read a book, take a hike, play guitar or have long and delicious sex.
So this is my very good advice to the members of Sinn Fiin as we approach this new crossroads in our history (he joked). Make May 29th a day for sex. Start at ten in the morning, before breakfast. Then enjoy a long and leisurely brunch. Go back to bed. This time round it should take a little bit longer: relish every second of every minute. Luxuriate in your lover s company, in the feel of their skin, in the smell of their hair. Get up again at 5pm. Prepare a special dinner. Treat yourself to your favourite tipple. And then go back to bed for a third round. Now I know all this may be asking too much if you don t currently have a partner but, hey, you ve got a couple of months to work on it, so get weaving.
Anyone who would choose to mooch into Dawson Street to watch a few hundred Orangemen strutting their stuff rather than engaging in outrageous intimacies with a lover of choice needs his or her head examined. So I say go for it, Sinn Fiin. Let s fornicate for tolerance.
You know it makes sense.