Hello, my name is Bootboy, and I’m a blogger.”

Chorus: “Hello, Bootboy”
“It all started last year. A few people at work mentioned they had started blogging, but I quelled the sense of nausea that welled up inside, and tried to put it out of my mind. I knew that way lay madness.”
Chorus: “Praise be!”
“But my resolve weakened. As more and more of my acquaintances succumbed, I began to notice the signs – a furtiveness-”
Chorus: “Guilt!”
“...and, the telltale light-sensitivity, and the constant twitching of the mouse-finger. Ordinary conversation became strained, as they tried to conceal their obsession, their desire to isolate, to find a dark place in front of a computer, (any computer, they’re a promiscuous lot), in search of the rush of pleasure they had become addicted to -”
Chorus: “Instant Gratification!”
“...but it was obvious. They could not resist the buzz of power, they fell for the fantasy that they had become one-person publishing houses. They suffered from absurd delusions that they could compete with establishment media channels (that they condescendingly reduce to an acronym, “MSM”, for MainStream Media) and produce articles, commentary, musings, dreams, cartoons, videos, radio programmes, comic turns, fiction, news reportage, photo-journalism, all on their own, without anyone’s permission.”
Chorus: “Devil’s work!”
“What was worse – they could do it instantly – without the necessary lead-in time that the responsible media need, and without acknowledging that, like children, they need an experienced, mature editor to trim their chaotic ramblings. And – the fatal hook that snares them all – they could, within moments, enter into (often quite emotional) debate with each other, criticise each other’s opinions and output, offer support and technical tips to each other, and collectively promote the “best” to the most prominence in their own version of drug dens or speakeasies – the so-called “aggregators”. The most “popular” of them rise to the top, like scum on top of a pond.
Chorus: “Collusion!”
“Indeed, it’s an incestuous little bunch, but, sadly, they seem to be gaining the upper hand, with more and more getting ensnared every day. The ever-increasing flow of information effluent this group produces is spread by a pernicious new technology that they use more clever acronyms for – RSS, for “Really Simple Syndication”.
Chorus: “Really Simply Satan, more like!”
“This means that they have, at their fingertips, the latest topics and headlines and commentaries from each other, and from other constantly-updating sources of information and news, and they get to pick and choose what they want to read, instead of trusting reputable editors to know what’s best for them!
Chorus: “Do they know no shame?”
“In their discussions with each other, they build up a web of interconnections that offer the illusion of community. They “link” to each other, in the uncensored verbiage they spew out, enabling the reader to jump (all-too-easily, a slippery slope) to someone else’s blog. They comment publicly on each other’s posts – can you imagine forcing reputable journalists to endure the comments of their plebeian readers?
Chorus: (shiver)
“Like children following the Pied Piper, bloggers get initiated into the dark arts of “tagging” by a company with the sinister name of Technorati. Technology is taking over, and all humanity and decency is imperilled.”
Chorus: “Protect us from the Lords Technorati, servants of Satan”
“Tagging is a most pernicious act – and yes, it is similar to the childish game of “tag” that we all sensibly grew out of. In addition to the ingratiating, attention-seeking act of linking publicly to another person’s post, bloggers also add what is called a “tag” to so-called “descriptive” keywords, which means that these words become like magnets, seductive sirens to the unwary surfer, who, after all, is merely seeking information. And that’s how these unwitting innocents get sucked into their cult.
Chorus: (hisses)
“Yes, my friends, let’s call it straight: it’s a cult. For to become a blogger requires a rite of initiation that separates them from decent folk. Their secret code, that of course you all have had the misfortune to know: rel=“tag”. It is their Masonic-like handshake – if you know what that means, you’ve already been infected, and you have my deepest sympathy.”
Chorus: “Lord have mercy on their souls”
“We need not look further than how the English language has been corrupted, to know that evil is taking root. Perfectly decent words have gone the route of “gay” and become unspeakable. You think delicious applies only to raspberries, or your mother’s apple pie? Think again; del.icio.us now represents the hellgate that is social bookmarking. Nothing is safe. What was once a private collection of favourite websites, can now be made visible to all; one’s own personal taste is immodestly on display, for all to see.
Chorus: “Shameless!”
But of course, as you all know, I’m saving the worst for last. The ‘stats’.”
Chorus: “Saints preserve us”
“The self-obsession of bloggers knows no bounds. Their sick, narcissistic pastime of monitoring who has been visiting their monstrous creations, and discovering who has been linking to them, becomes the hollow-hearted, rock-bottom near-psychotic activity that reduces hitherto noble human beings to depraved, round-eyed, sleep-deprived obsessives. That’s when I sought help, when I was buzzing with sick pleasure, fooling myself that I was making a network of new online friends and acquaintances in Ireland, enabling me to return after 13 years away, and not feel like the geek freak that you know me to really be. That’s when I found you, my friends, and I was saved.”
Chorus “Hallelujah”
“But be warned, my fellow bloggers-in-recovery. This sickness is spreading. All it will take is for someone to make the act of tagging in a blog post simpler, which will happen any day now, and the rel=“tag” initiation ritual will no longer be necessary. When that day comes, even our parents and grandparents will be at risk, and the floodgates will open from Hell. No one will be safe in this blogging anarchy, mark my words. Protectionist, establishment media that try to charge for their online output, such as The Irish Times and, I’m sorry to say, Hot Press, will find themselves increasingly shunned by the growing swarm of blogging commentators that are going to be pouring forth from their nests and burrows, revelling in their unfettered freedom to publish, comment, tag and bookmark anything that is on the internet. A new “meritocracy” of web content will be established, and bloggers will be voting with their bookmarks and their tags to push the most personally favoured and admired items to the attention of others, irrespective of tradition, convention, or the reputation of the source. No longer will centralised media brands be guarantors of quality content – each individual article, column, opinion, idea, news report, cartoon, work of art, poem, video, podcast, radio programme, or music track, will sink or swim in the evolutionary soup. It is the end of civilization as we know it.”
Chorus: “Time for tea?”
“Oh, alright then.”